Soundboard: Sin City

"Sin City"

It's about three weeks into my vacation and already I'm bored!!

I need some excitement... something memorable, like that time last year when I first hired Marie. Ah, you should've seen it.. There I was, standing outside her place in the middle of the night with a boom box playing Peter Gabriel's "In your eyes" and crying out "MARRRIEEE, COME WORK FOR MEEEEE!!!!"

Looking back I only wonder one thing: Why was it raining that night if it was July???

Oh, wait... I got off topic

Anyway, So I need some excitement so I'm taking off, looking for excitement, finding danger at every corner, meeting beautiful women who would only touch me because of a two drink minimum...

That's right.. I'm off to Las Vegas!!

Actually I'm heading out there for two reasons:

#1. Actually have fun at the request of my Parents, my Brothers, my friends, Marie, H.C., my co-workers, Lady D, my barber, this one chick I know at Togo's, UPS, and this one guy I keep running into on the elevator.

#2. I still continuing with my search for new writers to add to the TBF team, and I figured.. where's a better spot to check out than Las Vegas???

So I'll bring back some great pictures (PG of course) and give everyone a update on my never ending search (which ends in two months) for new writers to "Stand up against all the wrongs that engulf our world!!!!!"

And don't worry Marie, If I win, you get paid, and if I lose, I have to sell you... either way.. I'll be fine ;)

Until Next Time,
-B

Soundboard: "A Damn Good Week" (Part 2)

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Emile dressed as "Black Trigun meets a cat"

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Emile pondering the benefits of the almighty Shroom..

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Sooo Cute, it's crazy!!!

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What is with my group of friends and thier weakness of redheads????

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We saw a girl with huge boobs, Emile had to jump her but it was a guy!

Soundboard: "A Damn Good Week"

So it's been a great week here at TBF, Marie took over and naturally blew everyone away with her hard hitting take on Hollywood and the people have spoken, they loved it!!

So I'm kinda hoping to use this as a way of encouraging Marie to be more vocal at TBF and hopefully to convince her to do future installments of Columns and Songs and such.


After all the excitement with Marie, that leaves the question...

"What the hell have I been doing in my time off???"

Well to answer that.. I've mainly been working, going to the movies, hanging out with people ( I know, it surprised me too), I'm also doing research for TBF next week, which yes, I am returning this coming Friday. But for this weekend I'm topping off my weekend with a trip to the annual Fanime Convention and I gotta tell you, it's a fuckin trip over there... and to show you what I mean, I took some pics, check them out:

See Y'all next week...

-B

Inside the Brian

"Inside The Brian..."

I was asked those ten questions that James Lipton asks on "Inside The Actor's Studio" and I thought I'd share those answers with you:

The ten questions by Bernard Pivot that host James Lipton asks every guest are:

What is your favorite word?

BR: Honor

What is your least favorite word?

BR: Failure

What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]?

BR: Love

What turns you off?

BR: Fake People

What is your favorite curse word?

BR: FUCK!!!

What sound or noise do you love?

BR: Laughter

What sound or noise do you hate?

BR: Fighting (Arguing)

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

BR: Doctor

What profession would you not like to do?

BR: Columnist... I'm Joking.. um... Rocket Scientist

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

BR: "You've been many things: An Asshole, an Artist and a Man, But you were always true to yourself and to the world... And I'm proud of you for that."

Things I've learned in 2006

Things I've learned in 2006:

- I just don't look good with long hair

- I really hate fake people (plastic surgery, cheerleaders, Hollywood, etc.)

- I am a sucker for the following types of Women: Blondes, Brunettes, Defenitely Red Heads, Raven heads... pretty much Women

- I realize what will be the subject of my demise: see above

- I honestly believe that the concept of 'P.C.' creates more hassle than relief

- I try too hard sometimes to be the hero, not because I want to, but because I need to

- I realize that I often come off as mean at times, but that's because I can't be fake.

- Never date younger women, They're always trouble and there's a good chance that they'll sleep around with
everyone except you... I mean... they always have an earlier bedtime and only drink chocolate milk... moving on...

- Nothing good can ever come from a friend bringing a camera to drinking night with the guys

- I now regret three moments from this past year.. one was a woman, one was a car and one involved a piece of
chicken....

Overall 2006 was a good year....

Season Two Premiere

"This Fire Burns" (Killswitch Engage)

All I've ever wanted was destiny to be fulfilled
It is in my hands,
I must not fail
I must not fail!

Even through the darkest days
This fire burns, always
This fire burns, always

This is the proving ground
Misery begins to rise
Turn away from yesterday,
Tomorrow's in my eyes

Nevermore to be held down
By the waves against me
Nevermore to be cast aside
This day is mine...

Even through the darkest days
This fire burns, always
This fire burns, always

I will not be denied, In this final hour
I will not be denied, This day is mine
This passion inside me is burning (Is burning!)
This passion inside me is burning (Is burning!)

Even through the darkest days
This fire burns always (always)
This fire burns (fire burns) always
Always (always)

In time everything is revealed. In time, the one you considered your friend is now your greatest foe; what you hate becomes what you love. That one thing that brought people to you now pushes them away. The list goes on and on, but by now I trust you've figured out the point of what I'm trying to say: In time, things change. In time, we change.

Most of the time the results can either be one of two things: a welcomed fresh start or an unwanted curse. I know I'd like to think that one day I'll learn it all and then I’ll just live happily ever after, but won’t happen. From the day you're born ‘til the day you die you will always learn; there is no choice in it. So all we can do is wake up every morning and make the most of the day.

How to start off another season of The Brian Factor became a question that honestly bugged the fuck out of me for at least a week. I came up with a couple of ideas (and those will be revealed in time) but this time I wanted to push things to a whole new level. Many of you who read this column finish reading it with new ideas and new opinions, and I'll bet you even have ideas for future topics you would like discussed. Well we are approaching the season for giving and miracles, so I invite you tell me your ideas. I want you to help shape this season. I want you to use your mind and your voice and really bring the issues to light. I do this column because in my everyday humdrum I see what I like to call Idiot Moments. An "Idiot Moment" is basically a moment or event where general and sometimes even competent judgment is simply absent and thus results in an accident that, 5-to-1, causes a lot of damage and about 15 billion-to-1 will leave many people both incredibly pissed and amazed at your blunder. You know you've seen those moments; hell, 5-to-1 you've done your share of them. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I see most of them as the ultimate affirmation that we are flesh and bone; that we are human and, as such, are not perfect. Many times we are led to believe we are gods when really we're humans. And don't worry, I checked down my pants. Turns out I'm one... and a male too.

Believe it or not: I don't want to be a leader.

Though nowadays a title like that is both the easiest and the hardest thing to acquire. All you really have to do is simply speak up for yourself and others. By using your voice and listening to your heart you are choosing to challenge what was always was.

So what do I want?

Honestly, I want to inspire people to think for themselves. I want people to wake up and start speaking for themselves. I look around and I often see people who don't stand up for themselves and choose to "respect" those who are the authority. News flash: respect is a mutual agreement between people; if you give respect, you earn respect. My philosophy on respect is simply this: "No one is above me, no one is beneath me. We are all equals in life and truth." So I ask you: How you see yourself? Do you see yourself as my equal? Who are you? What do see as you look in the mirror?

In my time away many events occurred, both in the world we live in and in our own lives. Some of these events led us to choices that took away the things that mattered to us. Others forced us to look at what we've become. For some, we simply became broken, forced to deal with the remnants of what was. Change happens because it has to. It's in life that the tests are given first and the lessons second. What we decide for ourselves is really our choice, and out of everything we learn and deal with the key to it all is right in front of us.... All along that's what it all came down to... choice.

They say that life is a gamble. And, really, it's the greatest ongoing gamble ever....

I said that things were going to be different this time around, and I am and will always be known as a man of my word. I realized that, after everything, I have nothing to lose. I took everything I had built over a period of five years--things that were everything--and I got rid of them. I should've gotten rid of them a while ago, but fear is powerful. The fear of our lives having no real meaning is one that has always haunted me for as long as I can remember. I finally reached that point where I had to rely on nothing but pure blind faith, so I did it. I still have my mind, my soul, my words, and I learned that even if you strip away their physical forms, the essence that was inside still remains and that is what gives this column it’s heart. I had to learn to face my fears and admit that I don't have all the right answers; I only have the answers that were meant for me to find.

One of the most powerful abilities within us is the power of truth. I know that sounds crazy, but follow me for a couple of minutes, then click “delete” or whatever you do after you finish reading this. One of our greatest flaws is our dependency on "Spinning" (no, not those pointless rims that spin that you'll shell out a couple grand to emulate your favorite rapper on Cribs.)

“To spin” means to twist the truth and/or information (often times both) of actual events to create a fabled version of events to present to the masses to inspire anger/joy/comfort or just about any feeling you'd want the masses or parties to feel.

I honestly hate it. Why lie? Be honest. In the grand history of your whole life, did you prefer someone lying to your face or did you prefer the truth? Myself? I want the truth ‘cause all I've ever received from people were just lies and they made me feel less than what I am. It wasn't the lie itself that got me down; it was all the mind fucking that was set up to begin with, and the lie pretty much became the shot to finish me off.

It's often believed that we have to win the grand tests of life in order to win everything we want. It's not true. Sometimes when you lose it all you gain yourself: the courage and ability to realize what matters to us. A feeling and a mindset we learned to forget along the way, but definitely a great prize.

So now I go to walk down the ever-winding road again. Last year around this time I was enjoying great times with good friends.... It's funny how much can change in so little time.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Growing up, I always recalled this assignment being the first sign that fun time was over and that it was time to get my head back in the game. Granted, my school days are behind me (at the moment), but considering that I have been on a summer vacation from The Brian Factor since June and with my return slated for Oct. I decided to revive this classic paper as both some well needed exercise for my writing skills and a basic catch up column for anyone who cares to know....

During summer we're expected to go out and be free, no longer thinking about rules and responsibilities. I admit I too had that originally in mind, but fate had other ideas. I started this season wanting nothing but the simplest things, and I ended up learning more about myself and breaking away parts of myself I hadn't realized were there. For me Summer began on June 1st, when I enjoyed two days of normal summer peace, but my vacation ended on June 2nd. A pity really, but the adventure that lay ahead in retrospect was important and had the road had to be taken now. It was Saturday that I recieved a phone call that would change everything....

SARAH:

We dated and eventually became on-and-off, the end result of our ever conflicting lives and realities (and yes, there is a difference between the two). In our "on" times they were magic, the stuff that was if I had to describe it in one word... Perfect. There was love, honor, happiness, all of which I felt had eluded me for a lifetime, but I had it in my hands. I finally understood how it truly felt to be alive for the first time in a long time. But even when you think everything's perfect, it's not. It was a Saturday when I recieved a phone call. I thought it was to confirm our plans but in a sad tone she said the words anyone fears to hear when they're in a relationship: "We need to talk." She told me how during one of our "on" times she had gone to a party with a friend and had a few drinks, and one thing led to another and then they slept together. To make it even more interesting, she told me tht she was now pregnant; in fact, she told me that she was three months pregnant which, naturally, got to me on a million different levels. But the icing on the cake was the news that she was going to raise the baby with the father... So much news all at once left me speechless and all I said was goodbye.

I won't deny how I felt. I loved her, I wanted to marry her. I had in essence regained my life because of her and now she was gone. I remember that I didn't speak for two days and that a million thoughts ran through me. While I'll avoid the details, I will give the short version: I loved her, and I gave her everything I had, and it just wasn't enough, so she left and now she has a new life with a baby on the way and she's finally gonna get her dream... well actually it was our dream but it's hers now. I never thought that I would have a dream and I never thought I would lose it but I did on both, so for a while I walked on without a dream.

POSSIBLE REDEMPTION?:

For the remainder of June I spent a good amount of time to myself to recover and I feared that I may not ever get close to anyone again. But as all good or bad things are known for, when you least expect it new opportunities and new directions in life open up. I knew this woman who was always a loyal friend and one I had always felt a true connection with and I admit my feelings for her grew in my recovery, and I knew of the downside to my feelings: she was already taken. Being one who usually lives with a sense of honor, I knew I couldn't act on my feelings; I couldn't deny my feelings but how could I act on them, it wasn't right. But I was tired of playing by the rules, so one evening, harmless as any other, we met and talked and out of nowhere - call it just the heat of a moment - I asked to kiss her and then we did. I can admit that I felt like a kid again after it, but I was really happy that I did kiss her; I didn't want to be living in the shadows of my pain anymore, and in that one kiss, I had regained my confidence back. I had regained that spark of life, but of course I couldn't avoid my feelings for her and the fact that I really couldn't pursue them. I was again stuck with a quarrel about what to do: pursue her or leave her be? I was stuck with that running through my head for the better part of the Summer, but one day I saw her walking out of a building with her boyfriend, and just seeing them together made me realize that she was happy with her man, and the last thing I would ever want to do is destroy that. I decided then and there that I wouldn't pursue her anymore. I know she's happy and for me that's all that matters in the end.

GETTING BACK TO BASICS:

In the home stretch of Summer (or August for you who didn't get it) I had pushed away people that mattered to me. I had become noticably isolated, my work ethic had become fierce, I was always working with no room for error and actually showed a stronger work ethic than I ever had before. I realized that I had channeled my pain and my anger into my drive. I finished projects ahead of schedule and I even contemplated keeping this new mindset since; all the pain didn't actually stop me from doing my job or my life, I just worked. I didn't have any friends who were free at the time, I had no relationship, I had no real anything for me outside of work, so I worked. About a week or so ago I realized that what I do means nothing if the people that mean the most to me aren't there to share it with me, so slowly I'm making an effort to fix my mistakes over the last month. I admit my life isn't perfect, but it's still my life and I have to make the best of it.

It's common for things to change in the course of our lives: our friends, our goals, even our dreams. I firmly believed that what happens, happens for a reason; granted the end results will suck if they go that way but we still accept some things and move on.

I know that I'm supposed to tell you everything I did over Summer, and I am; this whole mess was a big part of my Summer, but I did go out and still live my life. I went to concerts and I hit the night life and I traveled up to the city and I had a ten-year-old boy in my care for almost a month, and it was even my birthday. But the focus of the assignment (at least everytime Ii had it) was how this Summer changed you as a person, and this was it. I learned how to grow up a little more this year, I learned that there are times when you have to let the things that mean the most to you go, and even let go of the things you want now cause they're not yours to have.

I know we like to think that one day the lessons are over, but in reality they never end. In fact, Summer is when we face the bulk of our lessons: we learn about life, we learn about love, we learn when and how those perfect moments will appear out of nowhere and we learn that we can't always win, we have to lose every once in a while, we're always growing, we're always learning. I decided to strip down to the basics in my life; I know that means letting go of the past and just starting over from scratch, but I will always have the good times in my heart and the bad times in my mind, so that way I'm always learning.

Now that the Fall is coming, I'm expected to get my head back in the game. I'm expected to take the lessons I learned and use them. I will in time. I'm alone again, but this time there is no sadness, there isn't doubt, or anger, or sorrow, there's just quiet and room to breathe and think.

Which is always a good thing.

And that's how I spent my Summer vacation: taking one hell of a ride and learning more about myself and getting great memories and one or two photos as well.

I have about 6 1/2 weeks til The Brian Factor's back on for another season. I'm gonna finish getting myself together and then I'll go to work.

Until Next Time,

-B.R.

In one week a lot can happen

So as I'm writing this I'm a little under the weather.... Our first patch of sun after all this rain and I get sick. What a week.

I was going to tackle one of the Big Five this week, but thanks to a lot of Nyquil I forgot what I was going to say, so I'll keep it short yet sweet.

In one day, anything can happen; so in one week, a lot can happen. I ended up this week with a lot.

In one week:

I learned the whole truth about the demise of my relationship

I attempted to rebuild a burned bridge... with my father

I rediscovered the concept of mortality

I learned how much something can mean to you and how much of you that something or someone is when it's not there anymore

AndI was invited to a sex club with an adventurous couple.... I don't know why or how that happened but it did.

We always have those times when we're thrown a lot of curve balls and you don't know what to do with them all. Life's always been funny like that. Sometimes you've gotta roll with the punches and find the answers, and sometimes there are no answers, just an experience to go through.....

And after this week I learned a lot....

Lent

So what a busy two weeks I've been having. In fact, some of the crazy shit that happened last week pretty much set the scene up for what happening now. So for this episode we're again changing it up and welcoming you back to another installment of "The Brian Blog".

So I'm going through everything going on in my life and I realize that everything can be traced to one act: I actually gave a damn about my pride.

THE BET:

Last week, in the middle of conversation the topic of Lent came up and I had no plans to participate but after being goaded about not being able to complete Lent for a couple of hours something in my head snapped and there I was in one of those outer body experiences where you see yourself doing something stupid and you're trying to stop yourself but at the same time you're also interested in seeing the outcome, so you make a half ass effort so no matter what you could at least say that you tried and just like that I said yes.

So the challenge: Participate in Lent, sacrifice two things in my life to better myself, and learn a life altering lesson... Simple.

The Rules: I cannot enjoy my two vices for 40 days and 40 nights; doing so would basically be worse than breaking your New Year's resolution: no real punishment, just the fact that you failed yourself in self control.

There was just one tiny problem: I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, don't gamble, I'm not a compulsive shopper, I've never been sexually active and I'm not even dating, and-- if you still haven't figured out the problem-- it's that I live my life without any real vices at all!!!

THE SACRIFICES:

After looking at myself and wondering how I got this far getting less action than a priest (to clairify, I'm actually comparing my sex life with what a priest's sex life is supposed to be, not what it unfortunatly is), I realized that only two things I have going that I could afford to sacrifice were pizza and buying music. So I did, and I made my last day count. I ran out and ordered the biggest pizza I could, bought whatever CD I was looking for and splurged; I admit it... not my finest moment, but if Ii had any real vices to sacrifice... I'd have of done the most that I could before sundown and then gone through the wonders of withdrawl.

THE WONDERS OF WITHDRAWL:

I never realized how much Ii ate pizza or ran out and bought music until I wasn't allowed to do so.... and, boy, was it alot. I'm still trying to figure out how I did all that. Shortly afterward, everything began clicking: all my friends and I were on the same page, my ex and I are completly comfortable in front of each other again (no more of that post break up "weirdness" between us) and slowly little by little my life just made sense, and that is great, all that it is, it's just that when things are working out for you it'll really take you by surprise ....

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION + SPARE TIME+ NEW FOUND SENSE OF CREATIVITY + MUSIC EQUIPMENT = A BEAUTIFUL TRAGEDY

Now that I had more free time I began going through some of my old writings and I began recalling where I was at that point and where its heart came from and slowly I started going back to the part inside and soon it all made sense again. So instead of immersing myself in other people's emotional outputs (music), I began refocusing on my mine, so I decieded that sitting on my ass wasn't the right thing to do so I went and began mixing beats using an old keyboard, my laptop to record, edit, loop, distort, etc. and my imagination and formed them together into songs and now I'm letting close friends check out the material and I should be hearing what the verdict sometime next week. I honestly feel great doing this, I honestly feel recharged and now I'm creating music which, in many ways, has been running throught my brain for many years. So now, jump ahead a week (filled with six sleepless nights to prove it), and "A Beautiful Tragedy" is now officially up and running.

THE MORAL OR CLOSING STATEMENT:

I've really changed in many ways over the past three years: some of it wasn't bad and some of it wasn't good, but by sacrificing two things i really enjoy it forces me out of my usual routine and it causes me to actually think about what I want and, had I not taken up the challenge, what would of happened instead. They say one moment or event can alter the entire course of your life... Well, I don't know about the rest of my life, but for right now... everything's different... and definitely in a good way....

No BS, just a guy who needed to open his heart

I do this for everyone. I could want a million things in this world, but I'd gladly give them away if I could, to see a smile on someone's face when I know I brighten their day is to me a greater high that any drug. Many will disagree, many will say what I do is pointless... but fuck 'em.

It's easy to go through life hiding in the shadows and watching the world from a distance. I've done it for years. When I was younger and more confused I was told that I should end my life and make the world easier to deal with... and, honestly, for a time I actually considered it, but unfortunately I have this constant problem with always doing the opposite of what many want.

There is not a day that goes by where I wonder "Why me? What's so special about me?" I would give anything to know, but I'm not going to learn the answer in books or sitting on my ass; I'm only going to know by getting up and walking out the door and seeing where the winds take me. In my life I would like to fall in love with someone who actually loves me back; learn to deal with the mistakes of my father; actually give some people the greatest days of their lives; I want to say that I love who I am and I won't always have everything how I want but God knows I'll try.

I love my friends, for always being true to me, for never giving up on me even when they wanted to give up as well. I can honestly say that I love them just for loving me, and that's all I ever wanted.

I can want a million things, but everyone knows I'd give them away. All I can ever ask for is just the strength to keep making me who I am: an honest man, a true man, a honorable man and a man who will always hurt a little on the inside but will never lay down and die. I never could. And as for the future... maybe everything I want is right there waiting, maybe it's not, but I'll keep walking. Just 'cause....

2005: What the Summer brings to Fall

With July fast approaching I was left in a tailspin. I was hurting and I didn't know what to do. Then out of nowhere I knew that I needed to take a break from things and head out to figure things out. But before that I first needed to figure out when to leave. Then I began becoming more and more invoved with one my friends. She and I had our moments in the past where we connected and we decided to see where it could lead to and slowly I was coming back and I started to really connect again with everything and I would honestly say my relationship was the one thing that really helped me focus on being happy. And soon I was; tensions eased and I began enjoying myself again but I knew I still needed to get away to figure some things out. And my girlfriend knew it too, so she told me to go and find whatever I was looking for.... So I left with my girl in my heart and a purpose to figure it all out to return a better man, not just for her but for me as well......

I first headed out to Phoenix where I'm always welcomed (except for the Spanish radio station where I'm banned 'cause I caused almost a grand in damages to a table with a soldering iron). There I met up with Derrick who always comes with great news; but this time was different.... One of the things I had hoped to do was to visit my father who I hadn't seen in years and attempt to reconnect with him and learn more of myself by learning where I come from... though, when I arrived, I found out that his past mistakes had come back to a haunt him and he was sent to a tent city in the middle of the desert the day before I left. I admit now I was disapointed since now I couldn't get the answers that I was looking for in the one person I knew had most of them. So I continued to enjoy the town and for the first time I was actually feeling like a 21-year-old: going out at night, being gone for hours reconnecting to the man I call "brother" and there I felt so good!!!! I wasn't thinking about anything, and the more I did the more everything made sense. The only thing that stayed on my mind was Sarah, who would call me and share her day and brightened mine a little more.

So, feeling refreshed and with some but not all of the answers yet, I headed even further south to Texas and I returned to my family's "official hometown" of McAllen, which is located towards the southern tip. There I just rested my mind and body and I just walked and enjoyed the wonders of my grandmother's good ol' home cookin'. What always makes McAllen great to
visit is that you always find your bearings there. As soon as I arrived I headed north to Austin to visit even more family and get out to see more of what's out in the world...... And being outside with so much room to think and wonder and soon after came my biggest surprise to date: meeting my older sister for the first time ever. I was so nervous and I didn't know what to expect, and we finally meet and I hugged her and I finally knew what it felt like to have a sister, something I always wanted as a child: to know what it was like to have more than a Mom and Dad. Then I knew right there; and in the course of three hours we talked and realized how much we were alike and it was then that I realized how little some of my issues were so I soon learned to let them go. and within time it all made sense. But I still couldn't put it in words-- even now I can't-- but there it was..... the spark! Everything that I was looking for: a purpose, hope, an understanding of family and love...... then I knew I was ready to go home, not knowing what still lay ahead as my first test.............

Read the conclusion of this story in 2005 Part 3: "The Fall of Winter"

2005: The Winter through the Spring

So, thanks to a complaint made by someone who didn't enjoy my two-parter column, the F.C.C. is cracking down on me and I now owe 1.5 million dollars to the government............. I'm kidding!!!!!!!!

No, thankfully no one complained about "the sex column"; in fact one of my FEMALE!! readers offered to do a course or a report on the importance/joys on foreplay..... Yeah i know, it surprised me too..... Wow!!! The things I start just by asking the questions you normally don't ask.......... But then again, I am Brian.... so, yeah, it fits.

I'm sure we all had a great year, maybe in some catagories more than others. I went into this year with no idea what to expect, I knew what I had going in but I never thought I would leave with so much more.... I am, of course, talking about the recent changes I've made in my life and the struggle it took to get there. During the beginning of this year I had a handle on my depression and I, like all of us, had some general things to bitch about: traffic to work, work, friends and relationships, family.....the everyday stuff we always deal with. And that was my life for a good three or four months. Then around spring I became more and more stressed out. I wasn't doing anything different, my workload was the same, but I just was becoming more and more out of it and soon I honestly didn't give a shit. I hated my job, the column, having to deal with friends who were always in a jam and needed my advice or help to fix everything. I felt so overwhelmed that I was looking for a reason everyday to walk out on my job or anything else. And I know when we all think self-destructive behavior we think drugs and booze. but it's also you wanting to destroy everything you've ever worked for, everything and everyone who depends on you. You'd break promises, and you're at the point of just doing anything to show that you don't give a fuck what they want, need, or think. You get desperate, and you would tear heaven and earth apart if it means you can just be alone to breathe for five minutes........ And by the summer that's where I was... broken, confused, and hurting..................

The story continues in 2005 Part 2: "What the Summer Brings to Fall"

I answer the most frequently asked question about the most unsual and most sensitive subject: Me

For about a year I have done this column to give my two cents on the everyday events that we all face and that one time I got involved in politics, which I recieved more credit to myself for putting the issuses and possible hidden agendas out there and letting you the reader make your own choices on our own fates. And I've even opened up on my battles with depression in the past and sharing some of my most private thoughts and feelings with you which I appreciate very much. But today is different, today I give you an insight into myself....probably the most complicated subject I've ever tried to fully understand.

"Where do I get this knowledge and interest of music?"

For the last year I've been asked this a million times, so I'll just give you the whole story:

Three years ago, almost to the day, I was interested in this one CD but was afraid to check it out. Until then I had stayed out of music entirely: I didn't know a thing about music, I never listened to the radio, I never watched MTV, I had no interest in it, music was just noise to me.... and that was my life until I was eighteen and that CD I wanted my boss actually went out and bought and soon I was handed a copy of "The Fragile" by some group called "Nine Inch Nails." As soon I heard "Just Like You Imagined" I just was taken back and slowly I began to collect more NIN albums, and from there I branched out into the many sub-genres that were present in all NIN music: electronic, rock, alternative, industrial, etc. and soon I had amassed a huge collection of music which everyone- even people who listen to music and worked with music their whole lives- were taken back in just....wow!.

And that's what happened. But actually going into my family history both my uncles are total metal heads with Metallica, Motorhead, AC/DC, Ozzy, Hendrix (the list goes on), and my own mother if you go through her iPod you'll find Aerosmith, Zepplin, Hendrix, Pink Floyd, ZZ Top, the Clash, the Doors, Gorillaz, NIN, Queen, U2, Van Halen, etc. It's safe to say I come
from a family very rich in music and those are just the rock artists. So those are my musical credentials.

Take a look at your own family and you'll find you may have more in common than you think when it comes to music... minus the drugs.... Well, then again....

Thank you and good night,

-B