January 22, 2009


So where do we begin?

The adage I was taught to look for in life went as followed:

* you grow up
* you meet someone
* Fall in love
* and live happily ever after

Sound familiar? Believe me when I say if it does, then I feel your pain.

The rules of dating are as simple as playing D & D, solving Quantum Physics and baking a pie all at once. That shit is hard, folks. I mean I'm not lying when I say if my choices were to go out and try dating or go to war... my ass would be in Iraq right now.. cause let's be honest, if I have to be in a fight, I'd rather be in a fight I could win.

Dating... What the fuck?

The Brian Factor: Dating

Now before I begin, just for clarification: I am not hating on women, okay, I am just trying to understand all the bullshit and the drama and essentially the hoops we put ourselves through just to meet someone... and don't act like I'm wrong. You know damn well I'm speaking the truth.

Now I've seen all kinds when it comes to dating: Young love, strange love, self, love... Okay maybe some more than others but now is not the time for semantics. There's all kinds of subtypes for dating that trying to pick a type of girl I want to meet in the first place is actually harder than filling out my taxes (let's see section 9 paragraph 15: Do you want a Blonde? If so what shade of blonde?).

Even then I still have to find out if a girl is even interested (and of course if she's even a she, I've seen the Crying Game) then you have to see if she is "officially single" and if she is then you have to see if she's not "Talking to someone" or "Hanging out with someone" or "Fucking someone", or as I call this wonderful labyrinth of socializing... MySpace.

"Talking with Someone" I get, everybody talks to someone everyday, we talk about work, life, sports, who's is bigger, etc. "Hanging out with someone" apparently is the new term for a fuck buddy, plain and simple, well.. anybody who's ever had a fuck buddy would agree it starts simple then falls apart faster than a guy's innocence in a Lifetime movie of the week.

"Fucking Someone"... Oh that's not even trying anymore!!!

Well at least it's not a "Paper Relationship", God knows I'd hate to be in one of those. Since you asked what it is, I will explain: A "Paper Relationship" is essentially two people who don't want to be alone soooo bad that will simply be with someone just because it's better than nothing. Now look I know what it's like to be single for realllllly looong tiiime and I can tell you there are times where I'd give my left.. everything if it meant I didn't have to be alone anymore, I mean you can only say "Table for 1" so many times before it starts just sounding sad that the restaurant knows before you have to say it. I have tons of friends and family but let's be honest here: there will always be that one itch that a friend or family member can't scratch... Well maybe in Kentucky.

I can't do one night stands because well let's face it: as much of an ass as I can be, I'm still too much of a nice guy plus it pretty much goes against everything I believe in and stand for.. so, yeah.

I got bored one night and drove for a while and ended up down south, I ran into an acquaintance and we ended up having this conversation which inspired this week's column and we both agreed on a lot of the key points I wrote but also we both believe in the idea of that one special person out there who's our destined partner and we both agreed that one day we will meet up and live happily ever after, and I believe that for eveyone, hell if you're lucky you already got that special someone now (lucky bastard) as for the rest of us still in waiting this is all I will say to the fates/ powers that be....


I'm serious and I know I'm not alone when I say that I want a sign that I'm on the right path, nothing biblical (no burning bush, flood, first born dying) just a subtle sign that basically says "Keep the faith, you're almost there". Cause believe me when I tell you folks, there's a lot that can keep a man going when everything in him wants to quit: anger, pain, a lot of meth... but nothing works any better than just one thing: Hope.

Give a man Hope, and he'll gladly ride to Hell and back, I know I will, wouldn't you?

We Have Come To Terms.

January 15, 2009


So where do we begin?

It seems that in my time away, things have gotten a little worse for wear... Naturally I blame Marie for this but only because she always makes a great scapegoat in these situations.

So far the story seems to be the same: just a whole lot of characters repeating the same mistakes over and over again like a waltz with no end in sight. But on the plus side we finally learned to be united as one world... by taking it up the ass simultaneously as we let this shit happen. Congratulations we've officially become that girl with the low self esteem at the frat kegger who ends up on youporn... round of applause.

So let's recap:

* Countries are at war with everyone
* The Economy's so bad that everyone plays Monopoly just to brag that they own property
* People are complaining it's too hot
* People are complaining that it's too cold
* People are complaining that we're not green enough
* People are complaining that we're too green
* Gays moved two steps forward only to be pushed five steps back
* Oakland's tearing itself apart because 1/3 are mad about the BART cop being arrested, another 1/3 are mad because he wasn't arrested sooner and the rest are generally pissed because the Raiders are in another "Rebuilding year"
* The Religious fanatics are freaking out as we approach 2012 (The final year in the Mayan Calendar)
* While movie fanatics are freaking out because Roland Emmerich is releasing another disaster film called 2012

And... I think that's it... did I forget anything?

[Marie]: ABC cancelled Pushing daises and they're replacing Dr. Who again...


Where the hell was I???

[Marie]: You had a psychotic break, ran off for six months and came back looking like the fourth member of ZZ Top, plus you really need a shower...

So wait, what the hell was everyone doing while I was gone?

[Marie]: We were watching the new judge on American Idol.

(shudder) Well... Looks like I have some work to do.

This is going to be a looooong year.


January 06, 2009


"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.

At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms;

And then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel
and shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school.

And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow.

Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth.

And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin'd,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part.

The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav'd, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound.

Last scene of all,
that ends this strange eventful history,
is second childishness and mere oblivion;
sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything."