January 22, 2009


So where do we begin?

The adage I was taught to look for in life went as followed:

* you grow up
* you meet someone
* Fall in love
* and live happily ever after

Sound familiar? Believe me when I say if it does, then I feel your pain.

The rules of dating are as simple as playing D & D, solving Quantum Physics and baking a pie all at once. That shit is hard, folks. I mean I'm not lying when I say if my choices were to go out and try dating or go to war... my ass would be in Iraq right now.. cause let's be honest, if I have to be in a fight, I'd rather be in a fight I could win.

Dating... What the fuck?

The Brian Factor: Dating

Now before I begin, just for clarification: I am not hating on women, okay, I am just trying to understand all the bullshit and the drama and essentially the hoops we put ourselves through just to meet someone... and don't act like I'm wrong. You know damn well I'm speaking the truth.

Now I've seen all kinds when it comes to dating: Young love, strange love, self, love... Okay maybe some more than others but now is not the time for semantics. There's all kinds of subtypes for dating that trying to pick a type of girl I want to meet in the first place is actually harder than filling out my taxes (let's see section 9 paragraph 15: Do you want a Blonde? If so what shade of blonde?).

Even then I still have to find out if a girl is even interested (and of course if she's even a she, I've seen the Crying Game) then you have to see if she is "officially single" and if she is then you have to see if she's not "Talking to someone" or "Hanging out with someone" or "Fucking someone", or as I call this wonderful labyrinth of socializing... MySpace.

"Talking with Someone" I get, everybody talks to someone everyday, we talk about work, life, sports, who's is bigger, etc. "Hanging out with someone" apparently is the new term for a fuck buddy, plain and simple, well.. anybody who's ever had a fuck buddy would agree it starts simple then falls apart faster than a guy's innocence in a Lifetime movie of the week.

"Fucking Someone"... Oh that's not even trying anymore!!!

Well at least it's not a "Paper Relationship", God knows I'd hate to be in one of those. Since you asked what it is, I will explain: A "Paper Relationship" is essentially two people who don't want to be alone soooo bad that will simply be with someone just because it's better than nothing. Now look I know what it's like to be single for realllllly looong tiiime and I can tell you there are times where I'd give my left.. everything if it meant I didn't have to be alone anymore, I mean you can only say "Table for 1" so many times before it starts just sounding sad that the restaurant knows before you have to say it. I have tons of friends and family but let's be honest here: there will always be that one itch that a friend or family member can't scratch... Well maybe in Kentucky.

I can't do one night stands because well let's face it: as much of an ass as I can be, I'm still too much of a nice guy plus it pretty much goes against everything I believe in and stand for.. so, yeah.

I got bored one night and drove for a while and ended up down south, I ran into an acquaintance and we ended up having this conversation which inspired this week's column and we both agreed on a lot of the key points I wrote but also we both believe in the idea of that one special person out there who's our destined partner and we both agreed that one day we will meet up and live happily ever after, and I believe that for eveyone, hell if you're lucky you already got that special someone now (lucky bastard) as for the rest of us still in waiting this is all I will say to the fates/ powers that be....


I'm serious and I know I'm not alone when I say that I want a sign that I'm on the right path, nothing biblical (no burning bush, flood, first born dying) just a subtle sign that basically says "Keep the faith, you're almost there". Cause believe me when I tell you folks, there's a lot that can keep a man going when everything in him wants to quit: anger, pain, a lot of meth... but nothing works any better than just one thing: Hope.

Give a man Hope, and he'll gladly ride to Hell and back, I know I will, wouldn't you?

We Have Come To Terms.


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