Brian's Twisted Fairytales_10.21.2008_
Hey Kids, gather around, as it is time once again for one of “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”.
Today’s story is a special one in the eyes of your friend, Brian. This is a story that played a very powerful part in my upbringing and perhaps may be what made me into the man I am today… Now you know who’s to blame! As usual I will tell this story like I tell everything because we all know if there’s one thing I am, it is real!
So turn down the lights, settle yourselves in and get ready for our next little tale.
I now present: “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”
The Tale of Bearskin
Once upon a… Don’t worry I’m getting it down. So You ain’t gonna believe this shit!
Our story begins upon a lone soldier, upon his return from war, he discovered that his parents were dead, and that his brothers were complete dicks who refused to put him up until he could get back on his feet. (Because they were those holier than thou Berkeley types and we all know what I’m talking about.)
Alone, with no place to go he began wandering around until a green-coated man with a cloven hoof appeared to him, with a menacing look in his eye his noted the man’s sorrow and offered him a deal. When the soldier asked him who he was. The green-coated man removed his coat and to revealed himself as the Devil. He offered to make the man rich if for seven years not cut his hair, clip his nails, bathe, or pray, and he must wear the same green coat the Devil was wearing and a cloak that Devil would give him. At the end, if he survived, he would be rich and free; but if he died during the seven years, the Devil would have his soul. Desperate, and feeling that he had no other options (I mean this guy couldn’t do jack! He couldn’t give blood or some of his other fluids… Hell! He couldn’t even do porn!) the soldier agreed, and so the Devil gave him the green coat, telling him he would find its pockets full of money, and then killed a bear in front him and skinned it where upon completion presented the skin to him, telling him that he had to sleep in it and henceforth be known as “Bearskin” because of it.
So Bearskin set out into the world, realizing his deal he set out to do as much good as he could and gave much of his money to the poor so that they would pray for him, to both bless him and for him to live out the seven years. Over time, his hair and nails grew as he had promised and in turn grew so hideous that he had to pay heavily to get any shelter available, often times being turned away for his appearance. In the fourth year, he came across an old man with such worry on his face, Bearskin spoke to the old man and persuaded him to tell his tale: the old man had lost all his money and didn’t know how to provide for his daughters, as well as pay the innkeeper, so he would be sent to jail and well as go bankrupt and live on the streets. After hearing the old man’s tale, Bearskin paid the innkeeper and gave the old man a purse of gold and wished him well.
Turning to leave, the old man stopped him and said that he would offer one of his one of his daughters to marry him as gratitude for his help. Bearskin was taken back by the Old Man’s offer but at the same time yearned to meet someone and fall in love, but still declined. Then the Old Man also threw in a free meal as a thank you, finally Bearskin accepted. So the pair traveled until they arrived at the old man’s home, upon meeting the three daughters, their reactions were mixed, but not unexpected. The daughters were used to certain standard after growing up with money and in turn always had a level in which everything must be met… Basically they were spoiled bitches. The eldest daughter ran away, screaming, from the very sight of him; the middle daughter looked him over from top to bottom and said he was worse than a bear that was trying to pass itself off as human; the youngest daughter took a liking to him and had no problem agreeing to fulfill her father's promise. She saw Bearskin as more than what he was and saw what laid behind his eyes and knew he was a true and good man. Knowing that his deal wasn’t over, he told the youngest daughter that he still had to wait three years before they could ever be together, but as a sign of his promise to return he took his family ring and broke it in two. He gave her half of the ring and carried the other half promising to return in three years. Her sisters ridiculed her at length because again… Spoiled Bitches!
And so Bearskin continued on his journey and time flew by until finally he had arrived at the end of the seven years, Bearskin found the devil again and demanded he fulfill his promise. The Devil, noticeably upset that he was defeated kept his word and with a snap of his fingers fulfilled his end, Bearskin found himself instantly clean with fresh clothes and with his money, finally dressed as a fine gentleman he rushed back to the old man's house, where he was reintroduced to the three daughters. Both the older sisters (bitches!) who had pretty much shunned him during their last encounter were now waiting on him, hand and foot all the while trying to appear as great wife prospects and then finally he re-met his bride, still beautiful as the day he left her, She all the while dressed in black, and chose to show no reaction to him. When he asked her why she was so hostile to him, she merely said: “I already have someone I’m waiting for.” Upon hearing those words a smile was firmly on his face. He told the old man that he would like to marry one of his daughters. The two older sisters ran off to dress splendidly, and Bearskin offered to pour the wine to celebrate this union. While pouring the glasses he dropped his half of the ring into a wine cup and gave it to his bride. When the family toasted she drank her wine and saw the half of the ring. She looked into his eyes and realized that he was her bridegroom. Naturally the other sisters were shocked to know that this fine, wealthy gentleman was the same man they insulted and shunned only three years prior. Embarrassed, they ran upstairs where they both had meltdowns because they lost… because they were bitches!
Bearskin and his bride soon married and went off to live happily ever after. Though not everything went that smoothly for everyone, the two sisters, both embarrassed committed suicide, one sister hung herself in rage, and the other jumped off a cliff and fell into the sea. As for the Devil, not long after the wedding he appeared again knocking on the front door. He wished Bearskin all the best on his new life and also thanked Bearskin… For now he had gotten two souls instead of Bearskin's one. THE END.
The moral of the story?
-Uh. Always hook up with the youngest sister because she won’t be choosy?
-No, wait. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, unless you make a deal with the Devil?
-No. Wait I know. You miss out on the good things in life when you’re a bitch!
-Also guys who aren’t “conventionally attractive” usually have money.
Side note: I was going to rename this story “Brian Begins” but there were legal issues and blah blah blah….
Next Time on Brian's Twisted Fairytales…I don’t know.
Until Next Time,
-B
Today’s story is a special one in the eyes of your friend, Brian. This is a story that played a very powerful part in my upbringing and perhaps may be what made me into the man I am today… Now you know who’s to blame! As usual I will tell this story like I tell everything because we all know if there’s one thing I am, it is real!
So turn down the lights, settle yourselves in and get ready for our next little tale.
I now present: “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”
The Tale of Bearskin
Once upon a… Don’t worry I’m getting it down. So You ain’t gonna believe this shit!
Our story begins upon a lone soldier, upon his return from war, he discovered that his parents were dead, and that his brothers were complete dicks who refused to put him up until he could get back on his feet. (Because they were those holier than thou Berkeley types and we all know what I’m talking about.)
Alone, with no place to go he began wandering around until a green-coated man with a cloven hoof appeared to him, with a menacing look in his eye his noted the man’s sorrow and offered him a deal. When the soldier asked him who he was. The green-coated man removed his coat and to revealed himself as the Devil. He offered to make the man rich if for seven years not cut his hair, clip his nails, bathe, or pray, and he must wear the same green coat the Devil was wearing and a cloak that Devil would give him. At the end, if he survived, he would be rich and free; but if he died during the seven years, the Devil would have his soul. Desperate, and feeling that he had no other options (I mean this guy couldn’t do jack! He couldn’t give blood or some of his other fluids… Hell! He couldn’t even do porn!) the soldier agreed, and so the Devil gave him the green coat, telling him he would find its pockets full of money, and then killed a bear in front him and skinned it where upon completion presented the skin to him, telling him that he had to sleep in it and henceforth be known as “Bearskin” because of it.
So Bearskin set out into the world, realizing his deal he set out to do as much good as he could and gave much of his money to the poor so that they would pray for him, to both bless him and for him to live out the seven years. Over time, his hair and nails grew as he had promised and in turn grew so hideous that he had to pay heavily to get any shelter available, often times being turned away for his appearance. In the fourth year, he came across an old man with such worry on his face, Bearskin spoke to the old man and persuaded him to tell his tale: the old man had lost all his money and didn’t know how to provide for his daughters, as well as pay the innkeeper, so he would be sent to jail and well as go bankrupt and live on the streets. After hearing the old man’s tale, Bearskin paid the innkeeper and gave the old man a purse of gold and wished him well.
Turning to leave, the old man stopped him and said that he would offer one of his one of his daughters to marry him as gratitude for his help. Bearskin was taken back by the Old Man’s offer but at the same time yearned to meet someone and fall in love, but still declined. Then the Old Man also threw in a free meal as a thank you, finally Bearskin accepted. So the pair traveled until they arrived at the old man’s home, upon meeting the three daughters, their reactions were mixed, but not unexpected. The daughters were used to certain standard after growing up with money and in turn always had a level in which everything must be met… Basically they were spoiled bitches. The eldest daughter ran away, screaming, from the very sight of him; the middle daughter looked him over from top to bottom and said he was worse than a bear that was trying to pass itself off as human; the youngest daughter took a liking to him and had no problem agreeing to fulfill her father's promise. She saw Bearskin as more than what he was and saw what laid behind his eyes and knew he was a true and good man. Knowing that his deal wasn’t over, he told the youngest daughter that he still had to wait three years before they could ever be together, but as a sign of his promise to return he took his family ring and broke it in two. He gave her half of the ring and carried the other half promising to return in three years. Her sisters ridiculed her at length because again… Spoiled Bitches!
And so Bearskin continued on his journey and time flew by until finally he had arrived at the end of the seven years, Bearskin found the devil again and demanded he fulfill his promise. The Devil, noticeably upset that he was defeated kept his word and with a snap of his fingers fulfilled his end, Bearskin found himself instantly clean with fresh clothes and with his money, finally dressed as a fine gentleman he rushed back to the old man's house, where he was reintroduced to the three daughters. Both the older sisters (bitches!) who had pretty much shunned him during their last encounter were now waiting on him, hand and foot all the while trying to appear as great wife prospects and then finally he re-met his bride, still beautiful as the day he left her, She all the while dressed in black, and chose to show no reaction to him. When he asked her why she was so hostile to him, she merely said: “I already have someone I’m waiting for.” Upon hearing those words a smile was firmly on his face. He told the old man that he would like to marry one of his daughters. The two older sisters ran off to dress splendidly, and Bearskin offered to pour the wine to celebrate this union. While pouring the glasses he dropped his half of the ring into a wine cup and gave it to his bride. When the family toasted she drank her wine and saw the half of the ring. She looked into his eyes and realized that he was her bridegroom. Naturally the other sisters were shocked to know that this fine, wealthy gentleman was the same man they insulted and shunned only three years prior. Embarrassed, they ran upstairs where they both had meltdowns because they lost… because they were bitches!
Bearskin and his bride soon married and went off to live happily ever after. Though not everything went that smoothly for everyone, the two sisters, both embarrassed committed suicide, one sister hung herself in rage, and the other jumped off a cliff and fell into the sea. As for the Devil, not long after the wedding he appeared again knocking on the front door. He wished Bearskin all the best on his new life and also thanked Bearskin… For now he had gotten two souls instead of Bearskin's one. THE END.
The moral of the story?
-Uh. Always hook up with the youngest sister because she won’t be choosy?
-No, wait. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, unless you make a deal with the Devil?
-No. Wait I know. You miss out on the good things in life when you’re a bitch!
-Also guys who aren’t “conventionally attractive” usually have money.
Side note: I was going to rename this story “Brian Begins” but there were legal issues and blah blah blah….
Next Time on Brian's Twisted Fairytales…I don’t know.
Until Next Time,
-B
Labels: BTFT
posted by Brian at 1:18 PM
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