Brian's Twisted Fairytales_10.16.2008_
Hey Kids, gather around, as it is time once again for one of “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”.
Today’s story is about love and longing and maybe occasionally some hobbits… Wait that was Led Zeppelin. Well anyway today’s story is another classic given a “Brian Twist” which basically means I keep the story real… Just like I was taught.
I now present: “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”
RAPUNZEL
Once upon a… Sorry, so you ain’t gonna believe this shit!
Our story begins in the far off enchanted land of East L.A. There in a Quaint part of the Latin ghetto lived a couple that had wanted children for a long time. Thinking that they would never be blessed they decided to pray and asked God to give them a child. Apparently God was in a listening mood that day because shortly afterwards the wife eventually got pregnant. As expected, the hunger pains had the husband running back and forth catering to his wife’s very surprising appetite and he was more than up for the challenge until one day while hanging up laundry she eyed her neighbor’s garden filled with ripest fruits and vegetables she had ever seen. The image of her neighbor’s garden stayed with the wife until she knew she had to sample some of the fruit it bore. Unfortunately, the neighbor next door wasn’t going to share, she was the neighborhood “Vieja”, the old lady that everyone in a four block radius would come to see when they didn’t have enough money to go the doctor as well as be the resident spiritual advisor. Long story short… no one messed with “La Señora” and no one dared go into her backyard.
The wife’s hunger proved too much and she sent her husband to sneak over and swipe two lemons from her tree, so waiting until midnight, the husband hops the fence dividing the backyards and proceeds to search the lemon tree for the ripest of the ripe, until just as he was about to reach, a whack came across his hand and there stood beside him was La Señora with her trusty cane and the “mal ojo” on her face was undeniable. He beggd and pleaded with La Señora to let him go but she told him that in order for him and his wife to be forgiven, they must give La Señora their first born child. While first hesitant La Señora brings up the fact that she foresaw them having many children and that they wouldn’t suffer long. As with that the child was soon born, she was a daughter and was beautiful.
La Señora took her and raised her as a ward, naming her Rapunzel Garcia. When Rapunzel turned twelve, La Señora realized that she was going to start looking at boys so save herself the grief of an early pregnancy, La Señora took Rapunzel and shut her away in the tallest tower bedroom in the house with the only door in/ or out was dead bolted with La Señora having the only key. So Rapunzel stayed in the tower constantly staring out the only window hoping someday to be free to go out into the world and begin living her life. Years passed and our dear sweet Rapunzel grew up and became mega hot babe, Rapunzel. Still stuck in her tower, still dreaming and filling her days by working on her sewing. In the entire time since first being locked way Rapunzel never cut her hair to symbolize how long her time in the tower. By the time she was 21, her hair had grown to the point that it could easy reach the ground outside her window. La Señora eventually lost the key and couldn’t get another made so she decided to have Rapunzel’s hair do the work for her. She would come by once a day and whenever La Señora went to visit Rapunzel, she stood beneath the tower and called out:
Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let down your hair right now and help my old ass up! If you don’t, Sabes Que I ain’t feeding your ass!
Upon hearing these words, Rapunzel would wrap her long, dark hair around a hook that sat beside the window and drop it down to La Señora, who would then climb up the hair to Rapunzel's tower room. Getting down was a little more easier and for Rapunzel sometimes a little fun.
One day, a prince (I’m sorry I mean his name is “Prinze” with a Z!) was ridin dirty in his ’64 Impala through the neighborhood pondering his future and wondering if he would ever meet the one when he overheard Rapunzel singing from the tower. He immediately turned down his radio and hiked up his hydraulics as far as they could go to search for the girl who’s voiced beckoned him from afar. Entranced by her ethereal voice, he went around the block to look for the girl and eventually came across the house of La Señora and went around to the back and was below the tower, he tried to get a better look at the girl but she was just always out of sight. After that day he would returned often, listening to her beautiful singing, and one-day saw La Señora visit, and after leaning the mystery girl’s name and more importantly how actually get up to her tower. When La Señora was gone, he bade Rapunzel let her hair down. When she did this, he climbed up, made her acquaintance, made a couple of cheesy moves and convinced her to go out with him, Since she could never leave they agreed to meet every night and kick it and so that was their relationship for some time until almost a year later he finally asked her to marry him. Rapunzel agreed.
Together they planned a means of escape, every night when he came to visit (thus avoiding La Señora who visited her by day), he would bring her the strongest fabrics he could find, which Rapunzel would gradually weave into a ladder. Before the plan came to fruition, however, Rapunzel foolishly brought up secret nights when she innocently asked why her dresses were fitting tighter around her belly (you know what they did! Don’t act like they were being all innocent and playing Playstation or something all day!); and then to really add emphasis on the list of “stupid things to say” she also asked La Señora why it was easier for her to draw him up than her. In anger (mainly cause she was sensitive about her weight), La Señora broke down the door and cut Rapunzel's long flowing hair off leaving only enough that barely kissed her neck and cast her out into the barrio to fend for herself.
When Prinze returned that night, he called up to his lady and as expected the long flowing braid of hair fell down to him not knowing that it was La Señora that let the severed braids down to haul him up. To his horror, he found himself staring at the La Señora instead of Rapunzel, who was nowhere to be found. When he demanded to know where she was, she told him that he would never see Rapunzel again, he attempted to get by her to search the house for Rapunzel, La Señora grabbed Prinze and threw him from the window from whence he came (Like I said earlier, No one messed with La Señora, that bitch had grip!). As Prinze fell he landed into the nearby rose bushes and was blinded by the thorns below. He left, defeated and fearing that he had lost his love, forever.
For months he wandered through the barrio wondering if he would ever find her again and even if he couldn’t see her, he had his vision of her forever embedded onto his mind and knew no matter what, he could see her, every inch of her from top to bottom, from inside/out and that vision always put a smile on his face even in his darkest time.
During this time, Rapunzel gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl and had set up her own little house across town and became the local Vieja in her own neighborhood. One day in her backyard Rapunzel sang as she hung the laundry while walking through the same neighborhood Prinze heard Rapunzel's voice again, and followed it until he walked into a backyard and called her name, she turned around and smiled so brightly that even he could see it. She ran to him, embraced him and both were reduced to tears and they were finally reunited. When they fell into each other's arms, her tears immediately restored his sight and he beheld his Rapunzel once again and promised to never lose her again. Soon afterwards Rapunzel and Prinze got married and with their children began to create their own little kingdom, where they lived happily ever after.
THE END
Next Time on Brian's Twisted Fairytales, I bust out the story many say made me the man I am today. As for what story that is, you'll just have to wait and see!
Until Next Time,
-B
Today’s story is about love and longing and maybe occasionally some hobbits… Wait that was Led Zeppelin. Well anyway today’s story is another classic given a “Brian Twist” which basically means I keep the story real… Just like I was taught.
I now present: “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”
RAPUNZEL
Once upon a… Sorry, so you ain’t gonna believe this shit!
Our story begins in the far off enchanted land of East L.A. There in a Quaint part of the Latin ghetto lived a couple that had wanted children for a long time. Thinking that they would never be blessed they decided to pray and asked God to give them a child. Apparently God was in a listening mood that day because shortly afterwards the wife eventually got pregnant. As expected, the hunger pains had the husband running back and forth catering to his wife’s very surprising appetite and he was more than up for the challenge until one day while hanging up laundry she eyed her neighbor’s garden filled with ripest fruits and vegetables she had ever seen. The image of her neighbor’s garden stayed with the wife until she knew she had to sample some of the fruit it bore. Unfortunately, the neighbor next door wasn’t going to share, she was the neighborhood “Vieja”, the old lady that everyone in a four block radius would come to see when they didn’t have enough money to go the doctor as well as be the resident spiritual advisor. Long story short… no one messed with “La Señora” and no one dared go into her backyard.
The wife’s hunger proved too much and she sent her husband to sneak over and swipe two lemons from her tree, so waiting until midnight, the husband hops the fence dividing the backyards and proceeds to search the lemon tree for the ripest of the ripe, until just as he was about to reach, a whack came across his hand and there stood beside him was La Señora with her trusty cane and the “mal ojo” on her face was undeniable. He beggd and pleaded with La Señora to let him go but she told him that in order for him and his wife to be forgiven, they must give La Señora their first born child. While first hesitant La Señora brings up the fact that she foresaw them having many children and that they wouldn’t suffer long. As with that the child was soon born, she was a daughter and was beautiful.
La Señora took her and raised her as a ward, naming her Rapunzel Garcia. When Rapunzel turned twelve, La Señora realized that she was going to start looking at boys so save herself the grief of an early pregnancy, La Señora took Rapunzel and shut her away in the tallest tower bedroom in the house with the only door in/ or out was dead bolted with La Señora having the only key. So Rapunzel stayed in the tower constantly staring out the only window hoping someday to be free to go out into the world and begin living her life. Years passed and our dear sweet Rapunzel grew up and became mega hot babe, Rapunzel. Still stuck in her tower, still dreaming and filling her days by working on her sewing. In the entire time since first being locked way Rapunzel never cut her hair to symbolize how long her time in the tower. By the time she was 21, her hair had grown to the point that it could easy reach the ground outside her window. La Señora eventually lost the key and couldn’t get another made so she decided to have Rapunzel’s hair do the work for her. She would come by once a day and whenever La Señora went to visit Rapunzel, she stood beneath the tower and called out:
Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let down your hair right now and help my old ass up! If you don’t, Sabes Que I ain’t feeding your ass!
Upon hearing these words, Rapunzel would wrap her long, dark hair around a hook that sat beside the window and drop it down to La Señora, who would then climb up the hair to Rapunzel's tower room. Getting down was a little more easier and for Rapunzel sometimes a little fun.
One day, a prince (I’m sorry I mean his name is “Prinze” with a Z!) was ridin dirty in his ’64 Impala through the neighborhood pondering his future and wondering if he would ever meet the one when he overheard Rapunzel singing from the tower. He immediately turned down his radio and hiked up his hydraulics as far as they could go to search for the girl who’s voiced beckoned him from afar. Entranced by her ethereal voice, he went around the block to look for the girl and eventually came across the house of La Señora and went around to the back and was below the tower, he tried to get a better look at the girl but she was just always out of sight. After that day he would returned often, listening to her beautiful singing, and one-day saw La Señora visit, and after leaning the mystery girl’s name and more importantly how actually get up to her tower. When La Señora was gone, he bade Rapunzel let her hair down. When she did this, he climbed up, made her acquaintance, made a couple of cheesy moves and convinced her to go out with him, Since she could never leave they agreed to meet every night and kick it and so that was their relationship for some time until almost a year later he finally asked her to marry him. Rapunzel agreed.
Together they planned a means of escape, every night when he came to visit (thus avoiding La Señora who visited her by day), he would bring her the strongest fabrics he could find, which Rapunzel would gradually weave into a ladder. Before the plan came to fruition, however, Rapunzel foolishly brought up secret nights when she innocently asked why her dresses were fitting tighter around her belly (you know what they did! Don’t act like they were being all innocent and playing Playstation or something all day!); and then to really add emphasis on the list of “stupid things to say” she also asked La Señora why it was easier for her to draw him up than her. In anger (mainly cause she was sensitive about her weight), La Señora broke down the door and cut Rapunzel's long flowing hair off leaving only enough that barely kissed her neck and cast her out into the barrio to fend for herself.
When Prinze returned that night, he called up to his lady and as expected the long flowing braid of hair fell down to him not knowing that it was La Señora that let the severed braids down to haul him up. To his horror, he found himself staring at the La Señora instead of Rapunzel, who was nowhere to be found. When he demanded to know where she was, she told him that he would never see Rapunzel again, he attempted to get by her to search the house for Rapunzel, La Señora grabbed Prinze and threw him from the window from whence he came (Like I said earlier, No one messed with La Señora, that bitch had grip!). As Prinze fell he landed into the nearby rose bushes and was blinded by the thorns below. He left, defeated and fearing that he had lost his love, forever.
For months he wandered through the barrio wondering if he would ever find her again and even if he couldn’t see her, he had his vision of her forever embedded onto his mind and knew no matter what, he could see her, every inch of her from top to bottom, from inside/out and that vision always put a smile on his face even in his darkest time.
During this time, Rapunzel gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl and had set up her own little house across town and became the local Vieja in her own neighborhood. One day in her backyard Rapunzel sang as she hung the laundry while walking through the same neighborhood Prinze heard Rapunzel's voice again, and followed it until he walked into a backyard and called her name, she turned around and smiled so brightly that even he could see it. She ran to him, embraced him and both were reduced to tears and they were finally reunited. When they fell into each other's arms, her tears immediately restored his sight and he beheld his Rapunzel once again and promised to never lose her again. Soon afterwards Rapunzel and Prinze got married and with their children began to create their own little kingdom, where they lived happily ever after.
THE END
Next Time on Brian's Twisted Fairytales, I bust out the story many say made me the man I am today. As for what story that is, you'll just have to wait and see!
Until Next Time,
-B
Labels: BTFT
posted by Brian at 2:07 PM
1 Comments:
What? A happy ending? That isn't terribly twisted. What would be twisted is if Rapunzel (aka "Lechuga") had to prostitute herself to buy money for a sub-prime mortgage to have a place to live. When Prinze finally wandered blindly into her section of the barrio, he would have to get into a knife fight with the pimp El Mayorío Potente Demonio before finally reuniting with his lost love, whose pechos were muy abundante what with the hungry babies and all her lactation-fetishist clients. They lived happily ever after only because Prinze was blind and couldn't see his love's prematurely fading looks and loved the feeling of stretch marks under his fingertips.
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