Brian's Twisted Fairytales_10.21.2008_

Hey Kids, gather around, as it is time once again for one of “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”.

Today’s story is a special one in the eyes of your friend, Brian. This is a story that played a very powerful part in my upbringing and perhaps may be what made me into the man I am today… Now you know who’s to blame! As usual I will tell this story like I tell everything because we all know if there’s one thing I am, it is real!

So turn down the lights, settle yourselves in and get ready for our next little tale.

I now present: “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”

The Tale of Bearskin

Once upon a… Don’t worry I’m getting it down. So You ain’t gonna believe this shit!

Our story begins upon a lone soldier, upon his return from war, he discovered that his parents were dead, and that his brothers were complete dicks who refused to put him up until he could get back on his feet. (Because they were those holier than thou Berkeley types and we all know what I’m talking about.)

Alone, with no place to go he began wandering around until a green-coated man with a cloven hoof appeared to him, with a menacing look in his eye his noted the man’s sorrow and offered him a deal. When the soldier asked him who he was. The green-coated man removed his coat and to revealed himself as the Devil. He offered to make the man rich if for seven years not cut his hair, clip his nails, bathe, or pray, and he must wear the same green coat the Devil was wearing and a cloak that Devil would give him. At the end, if he survived, he would be rich and free; but if he died during the seven years, the Devil would have his soul. Desperate, and feeling that he had no other options (I mean this guy couldn’t do jack! He couldn’t give blood or some of his other fluids… Hell! He couldn’t even do porn!) the soldier agreed, and so the Devil gave him the green coat, telling him he would find its pockets full of money, and then killed a bear in front him and skinned it where upon completion presented the skin to him, telling him that he had to sleep in it and henceforth be known as “Bearskin” because of it.

So Bearskin set out into the world, realizing his deal he set out to do as much good as he could and gave much of his money to the poor so that they would pray for him, to both bless him and for him to live out the seven years. Over time, his hair and nails grew as he had promised and in turn grew so hideous that he had to pay heavily to get any shelter available, often times being turned away for his appearance. In the fourth year, he came across an old man with such worry on his face, Bearskin spoke to the old man and persuaded him to tell his tale: the old man had lost all his money and didn’t know how to provide for his daughters, as well as pay the innkeeper, so he would be sent to jail and well as go bankrupt and live on the streets. After hearing the old man’s tale, Bearskin paid the innkeeper and gave the old man a purse of gold and wished him well.

Turning to leave, the old man stopped him and said that he would offer one of his one of his daughters to marry him as gratitude for his help. Bearskin was taken back by the Old Man’s offer but at the same time yearned to meet someone and fall in love, but still declined. Then the Old Man also threw in a free meal as a thank you, finally Bearskin accepted. So the pair traveled until they arrived at the old man’s home, upon meeting the three daughters, their reactions were mixed, but not unexpected. The daughters were used to certain standard after growing up with money and in turn always had a level in which everything must be met… Basically they were spoiled bitches. The eldest daughter ran away, screaming, from the very sight of him; the middle daughter looked him over from top to bottom and said he was worse than a bear that was trying to pass itself off as human; the youngest daughter took a liking to him and had no problem agreeing to fulfill her father's promise. She saw Bearskin as more than what he was and saw what laid behind his eyes and knew he was a true and good man. Knowing that his deal wasn’t over, he told the youngest daughter that he still had to wait three years before they could ever be together, but as a sign of his promise to return he took his family ring and broke it in two. He gave her half of the ring and carried the other half promising to return in three years. Her sisters ridiculed her at length because again… Spoiled Bitches!

And so Bearskin continued on his journey and time flew by until finally he had arrived at the end of the seven years, Bearskin found the devil again and demanded he fulfill his promise. The Devil, noticeably upset that he was defeated kept his word and with a snap of his fingers fulfilled his end, Bearskin found himself instantly clean with fresh clothes and with his money, finally dressed as a fine gentleman he rushed back to the old man's house, where he was reintroduced to the three daughters. Both the older sisters (bitches!) who had pretty much shunned him during their last encounter were now waiting on him, hand and foot all the while trying to appear as great wife prospects and then finally he re-met his bride, still beautiful as the day he left her, She all the while dressed in black, and chose to show no reaction to him. When he asked her why she was so hostile to him, she merely said: “I already have someone I’m waiting for.” Upon hearing those words a smile was firmly on his face. He told the old man that he would like to marry one of his daughters. The two older sisters ran off to dress splendidly, and Bearskin offered to pour the wine to celebrate this union. While pouring the glasses he dropped his half of the ring into a wine cup and gave it to his bride. When the family toasted she drank her wine and saw the half of the ring. She looked into his eyes and realized that he was her bridegroom. Naturally the other sisters were shocked to know that this fine, wealthy gentleman was the same man they insulted and shunned only three years prior. Embarrassed, they ran upstairs where they both had meltdowns because they lost… because they were bitches!

Bearskin and his bride soon married and went off to live happily ever after. Though not everything went that smoothly for everyone, the two sisters, both embarrassed committed suicide, one sister hung herself in rage, and the other jumped off a cliff and fell into the sea. As for the Devil, not long after the wedding he appeared again knocking on the front door. He wished Bearskin all the best on his new life and also thanked Bearskin… For now he had gotten two souls instead of Bearskin's one. THE END.

The moral of the story?
-Uh. Always hook up with the youngest sister because she won’t be choosy?
-No, wait. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, unless you make a deal with the Devil?
-No. Wait I know. You miss out on the good things in life when you’re a bitch!
-Also guys who aren’t “conventionally attractive” usually have money.

Side note: I was going to rename this story “Brian Begins” but there were legal issues and blah blah blah….

Next Time on Brian's Twisted Fairytales…I don’t know.

Until Next Time,
-B

Brian's Twisted Fairytales_10.16.2008_

Hey Kids, gather around, as it is time once again for one of “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”.

Today’s story is about love and longing and maybe occasionally some hobbits… Wait that was Led Zeppelin. Well anyway today’s story is another classic given a “Brian Twist” which basically means I keep the story real… Just like I was taught.
I now present: “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”

RAPUNZEL

Once upon a… Sorry, so you ain’t gonna believe this shit!

Our story begins in the far off enchanted land of East L.A. There in a Quaint part of the Latin ghetto lived a couple that had wanted children for a long time. Thinking that they would never be blessed they decided to pray and asked God to give them a child. Apparently God was in a listening mood that day because shortly afterwards the wife eventually got pregnant. As expected, the hunger pains had the husband running back and forth catering to his wife’s very surprising appetite and he was more than up for the challenge until one day while hanging up laundry she eyed her neighbor’s garden filled with ripest fruits and vegetables she had ever seen. The image of her neighbor’s garden stayed with the wife until she knew she had to sample some of the fruit it bore. Unfortunately, the neighbor next door wasn’t going to share, she was the neighborhood “Vieja”, the old lady that everyone in a four block radius would come to see when they didn’t have enough money to go the doctor as well as be the resident spiritual advisor. Long story short… no one messed with “La Señora” and no one dared go into her backyard.

The wife’s hunger proved too much and she sent her husband to sneak over and swipe two lemons from her tree, so waiting until midnight, the husband hops the fence dividing the backyards and proceeds to search the lemon tree for the ripest of the ripe, until just as he was about to reach, a whack came across his hand and there stood beside him was La Señora with her trusty cane and the “mal ojo” on her face was undeniable. He beggd and pleaded with La Señora to let him go but she told him that in order for him and his wife to be forgiven, they must give La Señora their first born child. While first hesitant La Señora brings up the fact that she foresaw them having many children and that they wouldn’t suffer long. As with that the child was soon born, she was a daughter and was beautiful.

La Señora took her and raised her as a ward, naming her Rapunzel Garcia. When Rapunzel turned twelve, La Señora realized that she was going to start looking at boys so save herself the grief of an early pregnancy, La Señora took Rapunzel and shut her away in the tallest tower bedroom in the house with the only door in/ or out was dead bolted with La Señora having the only key. So Rapunzel stayed in the tower constantly staring out the only window hoping someday to be free to go out into the world and begin living her life. Years passed and our dear sweet Rapunzel grew up and became mega hot babe, Rapunzel. Still stuck in her tower, still dreaming and filling her days by working on her sewing. In the entire time since first being locked way Rapunzel never cut her hair to symbolize how long her time in the tower. By the time she was 21, her hair had grown to the point that it could easy reach the ground outside her window. La Señora eventually lost the key and couldn’t get another made so she decided to have Rapunzel’s hair do the work for her. She would come by once a day and whenever La Señora went to visit Rapunzel, she stood beneath the tower and called out:

Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let down your hair right now and help my old ass up! If you don’t, Sabes Que I ain’t feeding your ass!

Upon hearing these words, Rapunzel would wrap her long, dark hair around a hook that sat beside the window and drop it down to La Señora, who would then climb up the hair to Rapunzel's tower room. Getting down was a little more easier and for Rapunzel sometimes a little fun.

One day, a prince (I’m sorry I mean his name is “Prinze” with a Z!) was ridin dirty in his ’64 Impala through the neighborhood pondering his future and wondering if he would ever meet the one when he overheard Rapunzel singing from the tower. He immediately turned down his radio and hiked up his hydraulics as far as they could go to search for the girl who’s voiced beckoned him from afar. Entranced by her ethereal voice, he went around the block to look for the girl and eventually came across the house of La Señora and went around to the back and was below the tower, he tried to get a better look at the girl but she was just always out of sight. After that day he would returned often, listening to her beautiful singing, and one-day saw La Señora visit, and after leaning the mystery girl’s name and more importantly how actually get up to her tower. When La Señora was gone, he bade Rapunzel let her hair down. When she did this, he climbed up, made her acquaintance, made a couple of cheesy moves and convinced her to go out with him, Since she could never leave they agreed to meet every night and kick it and so that was their relationship for some time until almost a year later he finally asked her to marry him. Rapunzel agreed.

Together they planned a means of escape, every night when he came to visit (thus avoiding La Señora who visited her by day), he would bring her the strongest fabrics he could find, which Rapunzel would gradually weave into a ladder. Before the plan came to fruition, however, Rapunzel foolishly brought up secret nights when she innocently asked why her dresses were fitting tighter around her belly (you know what they did! Don’t act like they were being all innocent and playing Playstation or something all day!); and then to really add emphasis on the list of “stupid things to say” she also asked La Señora why it was easier for her to draw him up than her. In anger (mainly cause she was sensitive about her weight), La Señora broke down the door and cut Rapunzel's long flowing hair off leaving only enough that barely kissed her neck and cast her out into the barrio to fend for herself.

When Prinze returned that night, he called up to his lady and as expected the long flowing braid of hair fell down to him not knowing that it was La Señora that let the severed braids down to haul him up. To his horror, he found himself staring at the La Señora instead of Rapunzel, who was nowhere to be found. When he demanded to know where she was, she told him that he would never see Rapunzel again, he attempted to get by her to search the house for Rapunzel, La Señora grabbed Prinze and threw him from the window from whence he came (Like I said earlier, No one messed with La Señora, that bitch had grip!). As Prinze fell he landed into the nearby rose bushes and was blinded by the thorns below. He left, defeated and fearing that he had lost his love, forever.

For months he wandered through the barrio wondering if he would ever find her again and even if he couldn’t see her, he had his vision of her forever embedded onto his mind and knew no matter what, he could see her, every inch of her from top to bottom, from inside/out and that vision always put a smile on his face even in his darkest time.

During this time, Rapunzel gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl and had set up her own little house across town and became the local Vieja in her own neighborhood. One day in her backyard Rapunzel sang as she hung the laundry while walking through the same neighborhood Prinze heard Rapunzel's voice again, and followed it until he walked into a backyard and called her name, she turned around and smiled so brightly that even he could see it. She ran to him, embraced him and both were reduced to tears and they were finally reunited. When they fell into each other's arms, her tears immediately restored his sight and he beheld his Rapunzel once again and promised to never lose her again. Soon afterwards Rapunzel and Prinze got married and with their children began to create their own little kingdom, where they lived happily ever after.

THE END

Next Time on Brian's Twisted Fairytales, I bust out the story many say made me the man I am today. As for what story that is, you'll just have to wait and see!

Until Next Time,
-B

Brian's Twisted Fairytales_09.29.2008_

I mentioned before about venturing out and trying some new ideas, well here’s one of them… Storytelling!

Growing up these were the stories that helped shape my young mind and I decided to share them all with you so we can keep the tradition alive. So I decided to start off with a classic tale with a Brian Twist.

I now present: “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”

The Tortoise and the Hare

“Once upon a time”... Or as I was told. “You ain’t gonna believe this shit!”

So you ain’t gonna believe this shit, but down in a little town in Mexico on top of a hill a tortoise stared across the valley onto the mythic land of promise. Staring at the land he one day hoped to go there and find a better life, “Good luck, chump!” yelled from behind as the tortoise’s rival the Hare appeared. “You think that you’re going to the mythic land? Yeah right! Que Sabes nada, look at you, you can barely (I’m sorry, I forgot this was in Mexico…) you cans burly moves your ass.” The tortoise looks at him simply says “Tu Madre, I’m gonna go and I’m gonna make it, watch me.” The Hare looks him up and down and boasts, “Sabes Que, I can beat you, Ese. I’m a go and be like “Sas” (Sas is an interpretation of “Bam”) and I’m a be there before you can blink.” As the debate on who could get there first intensified, they finally decided to see once and for all who was all talk. They agreed to leave from the hilltop at the same time and see who could get there first. “Fine, noon tomorrow, you and me… actually it’ll be you and the visual of mi culo in the distance!” boasted the Hare. “Bring it, Puto” said the Tortoise, with that they left to return to their homes saying goodbye to all their loved ones and preparing for the journey ahead.

Dawn arose the next day and both The Tortoise and The Hare woke up early, ate their hearty meals, said there goodbyes and set out for the hill top. After meeting up on the hill, they took their positions and waited for the go. “Ready. Set. GO!” and as expected the hare took off in a flash, the tortoise not daunted kept his pace and kept walking with a smile on his face, he knew that he was behind but didn’t care, he was finally going to fulfill his dream. But then he also realized that as a Mexican tortoise, his pride was on the line, so he hauled ass as fast as he could. The Hare was leaps and bounds ahead, venturing through the valley, trying to outwit the coyotes, the rattlesnakes, and the I.N.S. trucks and finally he had reached the halfway point and decided to take a nap since he really wanted to rub it in the Tortoise’s face that he was better and so he laid back and fell asleep.

The Tortoise continued on again undaunted and with a level of confidence that couldn’t be shaken for some reason. That reason who come to light about now, hours passed and the Hare finally woke up but when he awoken there where large shadows looming. He soon found himself surrounded by the Tortoise’s cousins: Manuel, Chico, Pepe, Christo and Carlos Alejandro Marquez De La Cruz Sanchez. They then proceeded to kick the Hare’s ass. After a furious beat down Carlos decided to add insult to injury by showing a picture of himself and the Hare’s hot, 20 year old baby sister… Engaging in certain hijinx. They were about to go for round two of the beat down when the Hare realized he needed to book like no tomorrow. The cousin’s couldn’t keep up with the Hare but still had a smile of satisfaction for kicking his ass.

At the same time the Tortoise had passed the Hare and was on his way out of the valley, but the Hare caught up with him, and proceeded to kick the Tortoise’s ass for the beat down he’d received. With the Tortoise laid out, the Hare would again boast that he would always be better, while insulting the Tortoise’s family and kicking the Tortoise in his side to take the wind out of him. There the Tortoise laid, while the Hare continued on laughing at his victory. The Tortoise still laying on the ground looked up into the sky saw a shooting star and wished that he had the strength to continue, then remembered his family, his dream and how far he had come. That inspired the Tortoise, and so he rose up from the ground still with that look of determination and confidence that took him this far, he knew that even with the exit of the valley just yards away, he came too far to give up. So he dusted himself off and continued forward.

The Hare just ahead was laughing at his victory while moving at a brisk pace had just cleared the brush and shrubs and was about to cross when suddenly a spotlight shone on him, soon the Hare found himself surrounded by trucks, with a look of confusion he asked what was going on and soon found himself in handcuffs. The Tortoise just slinking by turned to see his rival being thrown in the back of the wagon and as they gazed at one another, the Tortoise flipped him and waved bye-bye. It seems that Tortoise knew he couldn’t beat him, but he did have the one thing the Hare never had… Brains and a really well connected family. The cousins kept tabs on the Hare the entire time and jumped him when the opportunity presented itself and after letting him get away they called in an tip to the I.N.S. claiming that the Hare was an agent of Al-Qaeda and gave away the location of where the Hare was planning to cross. In all the commotion of Hare’s Capture, no one noticed as the Tortoise continued to slink on by and he left the valley to gaze upon the Mythic land of promise… San Diego, CA!

The Tortoise succeeded in getting his new life and was able to take care of his family back home. So in the end, everyone went on to live happily ever after… except the Hare who was locked away in Gitmo and was violated quite frequently because he was so damn cuddly.

THE END….

Next time on Brian’s Twisted tales… Rapunzel. The story of a beautiful girl with long flowing hair locked away in a tower… In East L.A.

Until Next Time,
-B