Brian's Twisted Fairytales_09.29.2008_

I mentioned before about venturing out and trying some new ideas, well here’s one of them… Storytelling!

Growing up these were the stories that helped shape my young mind and I decided to share them all with you so we can keep the tradition alive. So I decided to start off with a classic tale with a Brian Twist.

I now present: “Brian’s Twisted Fairytales”

The Tortoise and the Hare

“Once upon a time”... Or as I was told. “You ain’t gonna believe this shit!”

So you ain’t gonna believe this shit, but down in a little town in Mexico on top of a hill a tortoise stared across the valley onto the mythic land of promise. Staring at the land he one day hoped to go there and find a better life, “Good luck, chump!” yelled from behind as the tortoise’s rival the Hare appeared. “You think that you’re going to the mythic land? Yeah right! Que Sabes nada, look at you, you can barely (I’m sorry, I forgot this was in Mexico…) you cans burly moves your ass.” The tortoise looks at him simply says “Tu Madre, I’m gonna go and I’m gonna make it, watch me.” The Hare looks him up and down and boasts, “Sabes Que, I can beat you, Ese. I’m a go and be like “Sas” (Sas is an interpretation of “Bam”) and I’m a be there before you can blink.” As the debate on who could get there first intensified, they finally decided to see once and for all who was all talk. They agreed to leave from the hilltop at the same time and see who could get there first. “Fine, noon tomorrow, you and me… actually it’ll be you and the visual of mi culo in the distance!” boasted the Hare. “Bring it, Puto” said the Tortoise, with that they left to return to their homes saying goodbye to all their loved ones and preparing for the journey ahead.

Dawn arose the next day and both The Tortoise and The Hare woke up early, ate their hearty meals, said there goodbyes and set out for the hill top. After meeting up on the hill, they took their positions and waited for the go. “Ready. Set. GO!” and as expected the hare took off in a flash, the tortoise not daunted kept his pace and kept walking with a smile on his face, he knew that he was behind but didn’t care, he was finally going to fulfill his dream. But then he also realized that as a Mexican tortoise, his pride was on the line, so he hauled ass as fast as he could. The Hare was leaps and bounds ahead, venturing through the valley, trying to outwit the coyotes, the rattlesnakes, and the I.N.S. trucks and finally he had reached the halfway point and decided to take a nap since he really wanted to rub it in the Tortoise’s face that he was better and so he laid back and fell asleep.

The Tortoise continued on again undaunted and with a level of confidence that couldn’t be shaken for some reason. That reason who come to light about now, hours passed and the Hare finally woke up but when he awoken there where large shadows looming. He soon found himself surrounded by the Tortoise’s cousins: Manuel, Chico, Pepe, Christo and Carlos Alejandro Marquez De La Cruz Sanchez. They then proceeded to kick the Hare’s ass. After a furious beat down Carlos decided to add insult to injury by showing a picture of himself and the Hare’s hot, 20 year old baby sister… Engaging in certain hijinx. They were about to go for round two of the beat down when the Hare realized he needed to book like no tomorrow. The cousin’s couldn’t keep up with the Hare but still had a smile of satisfaction for kicking his ass.

At the same time the Tortoise had passed the Hare and was on his way out of the valley, but the Hare caught up with him, and proceeded to kick the Tortoise’s ass for the beat down he’d received. With the Tortoise laid out, the Hare would again boast that he would always be better, while insulting the Tortoise’s family and kicking the Tortoise in his side to take the wind out of him. There the Tortoise laid, while the Hare continued on laughing at his victory. The Tortoise still laying on the ground looked up into the sky saw a shooting star and wished that he had the strength to continue, then remembered his family, his dream and how far he had come. That inspired the Tortoise, and so he rose up from the ground still with that look of determination and confidence that took him this far, he knew that even with the exit of the valley just yards away, he came too far to give up. So he dusted himself off and continued forward.

The Hare just ahead was laughing at his victory while moving at a brisk pace had just cleared the brush and shrubs and was about to cross when suddenly a spotlight shone on him, soon the Hare found himself surrounded by trucks, with a look of confusion he asked what was going on and soon found himself in handcuffs. The Tortoise just slinking by turned to see his rival being thrown in the back of the wagon and as they gazed at one another, the Tortoise flipped him and waved bye-bye. It seems that Tortoise knew he couldn’t beat him, but he did have the one thing the Hare never had… Brains and a really well connected family. The cousins kept tabs on the Hare the entire time and jumped him when the opportunity presented itself and after letting him get away they called in an tip to the I.N.S. claiming that the Hare was an agent of Al-Qaeda and gave away the location of where the Hare was planning to cross. In all the commotion of Hare’s Capture, no one noticed as the Tortoise continued to slink on by and he left the valley to gaze upon the Mythic land of promise… San Diego, CA!

The Tortoise succeeded in getting his new life and was able to take care of his family back home. So in the end, everyone went on to live happily ever after… except the Hare who was locked away in Gitmo and was violated quite frequently because he was so damn cuddly.

THE END….

Next time on Brian’s Twisted tales… Rapunzel. The story of a beautiful girl with long flowing hair locked away in a tower… In East L.A.

Until Next Time,
-B

[TBF]_Close_But_No_Cigar_

“There is always something to say.”

That has been my motto since I started TBF almost four years ago. I’ve gone on to write about a wide array of topics:

“Immigration, Gun Politics, Religion, Pornography, Technology, Future Generations, Evolution, Scientology, Beauty in Society, Racism, Obesity... The List goes on and on.

Over the years I’ve had many topics run across my mind as potential topics but due to lack of interest and continuing debate on how I can really tear ‘em a new one, some stuff gets left off the block… So in deciding what to spotlight this week I realized that why not take the tidbits of info that I never used and combine into one big column of why not.

So strap in boys and girls!
TBF: "Close but no Cigar."

While working on a set list of topics two years ago I wrote down Prostitution as a possible candidate because I felt it was a solid topic and given it’s history makes for a solid column. But the truth is I couldn’t hate on it, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they will a big part of my social life sometime in the next 5-10 years. The truth is that there is too much gray area; you have levels upon levels of where it is everything you read/ seen to levels we never would’ve even thought of. Whether it’s the same girl who walks that same stretch of street to full service escorts, it exists and will continue to exist long after we’re gone. The truth is simple and we know it: Sex sells, Period. Back in Pornography I wrote how the industry was a billion dollar a year business, ad campaigns often times have beautiful women parading around, movies and TV feature various combinations of sex or at least sexuality to pique your interest.

It pretty much goes down like this: We could censor everything until we make the Amish community look like Sodom and Gomorrah, but ultimately, it all comes down to one thing: Humanity Itself.

Human Sexuality will always create the need for sex and everything sex related (note that I said “human” not just men… We all play our part.) We have pheromones, which lead to emotions, which lead us to desire, which culminates into acts of passion. Next thing you know you’re having her sit on the kitchen counter, kissing her from that one spot on her neck that drives her wild slowly kissing every inch of her all the way down to… sorry.

Ultimately, to rid ourselves of these aspects means we rid ourselves of what it is that draws us to one another in the first place. It can’t be done. No matter how far we come… some things will never change.
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Another item I had played around was about The Modern World of Dating though in retrospect, it appeared more as a sociology discussion rather than a simple problem. Actually if you notice all the subjects that never materialized as full columns had heavy Sociological influences and were determined to have no clean answer as they all were in essence, conflicts of individuals and their respective levels of ethics and morals.

But to summarize my intention: Dating is hard, Relationships are hard too, People are sometimes getting involved in relationships that benefit no one, yet they choose to stay in them because the only other alternative is to be alone. So my question was: “Since when was being single = becoming the modern day pariah?” Have we reached some level of insecurity in our lives that we need to have someone just to say “I may have my faults… but at least I’m Dating!” Around the world you hear/read about online dating services, blind dates on the advice of a friend, craigslist hookups, I mean JJJJEEESSSUUUSSS!!!!

Whatever happened to just walking down the street, bump into someone and then start a conversation? Sending a woman some flowers? Writing a note saying that she’s special? So far all I’ve seen is “you alone?” “Yup” “me too, want to hook up?’ “Sure” (That actually happened right in front of me… friggin’ church.)

I guess I’m just too old fashion for this era and in truth, some of the things I’ve seen from a third person perspective: Bad relationships, infidelities left and right, emotions teased and thrown away like random garbage to be forgotten and just so many levels of insecurity, uncertainty and ignorance that honestly… makes me feel like the world of dating and socializing is a world I’d gladly rather avoid.
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I know I could probably keep going with tons of other ideas but I’m afraid that I’d then use up one of my good ideas for a column instead. Speaking of… if I have my notes all set up and if I can stay out of trouble, I may have a very solid season of topics. As to what they are, I guess you’ll just have to wait and see, because no matter what topic there is in the world, eventually I’ll come across it and whether it fits on a post it or I can finally rival “War & Peace”, I just remember those six words:

“There is always something to say.”

Until Next Time,
-B

[S]_09.22.2008_

So you’re probably wondering what’s going on here at TBF? Where’s “Echoes”? Where’s “Unhindered”? Where’s “Sexucation”? allow me to explain everything right here and now…



“Echoes” is still around. But since I get on average 2-3 questions/ comments per column, I decided to hold them all and do “Echoes” once a month. I’m aiming for the first and we’ll see how it goes.



“Unhindered” is also still around, Marie is up the mountain living life, having fun and working hard but truth be told, I forgot to contact her and let her know we’re back. Plus her internet connection suuuuucks! But I already told her that whenever she is ready to come back to just come on back… So if we don’t hear from her soon… then blame her... I know I do.



“Sexucation”… Temptress goes by the beat of her own drum... also occasionally the beat of various objects against human skin... So I don’t know when she’s coming back.



“Brian’s Song” Give me time, It’ll be back.



Plus I have some new ideas I’ve been rattling around my head that are still being tweaked. I hoped that helps shed the light on things. Now if you excuse me I have some writing to do.


-Brian Rodriguez

[S]_09.15.2008_

I was cleaning out some old files and found this old song I wrote back in early 2008.. This is probably one of the best signs that I needed that break Enjoy!

"First off I'd like to start off with a song if I may:

(Strumming Guitar)

Oh, you say that my people are taking all your jobs,
and us even being here is against the law.
You say you can do better, then I ask you please commit,
try our jobs at $2.50 just to clean up shit....

Chorus:
we all know the wrong words can really really smart,
but we all know they only hurt if we take them to heart.
So the next time someone says something, you turn to them and say,
"Hey Asshole, Fuck off and have a nice day..."
"Hey Asshole, Fuck off and have a nice day...."

Marie is my editor, the best that we all know,
she's so white that in winter snow I'll ask "where did she go?"
even though she's white she'll say words like "YO" and "Sup, Bro"
well, let's face facts, if she were less black, she would be Albino...

we all know the wrong words can really really smart,
but we all know they only hurt if we take them to heart.
So the next time someone says something, you turn to them and say,
"Hey Asshole, Fuck off and have a nice day..."
"Hey Asshole, Fuck off and have a nice day...."

(Van Halen Guitar Solo)

(Followed by guitar smashing and lighting it on fire and finally calling the SJFD to put out my living room)

I think I may have officially lost my mind...."

Religion and Feminism

Let me draw your attention to this: Buffy the Vampire Slayer slaying church attendance among women. Initially, it made me laugh. But I thought and realized that if it is true, I would consider it to be a step in the right direction.

Dr Aune says the church must adapt to the needs of modern women if it is to stop them leaving in their droves.

She believes many women have been put off going to church in recent years because of the influence of feminism, which challenged the traditional Christian view of women's roles and raised their aspirations.

Her report claims they feel forced out of the church because of its "silence" about sexual desire and activity, and because of its hostility to single-parent families and unmarried couples which are now a reality for many women.

Pretty much all of the major religions repress women either overtly or implicitly. The obvious: Islam. Even the modern, more secular variations do not give equality to all genders and sexualities; I'm not talking about the segregation of men and women, but the availability of leadership positions with comparable prestige and power.

The Roman Catholic church is also another good example. While they do not loudly preach the inferiority of women, it is a recurring theme in the Christian faith: Eve tempted Adam. Salome demanded John the Baptist's head. Mary is the most prominent Biblical female figure, and she was modest and devout and unsullied by man at the time of the miracle. Mary Magdalene was a former whore who loved Jesus at least as much as his 12 male disciples, but she's been eclipsed by men in power over the centuries.

Now, I'm an agnostic, not a pagan or Wiccan. But I can see the lure for women to gravitate toward religions where the Mother is the god figure. That concept makes much more sense to me than the "old bearded guy in the sky" concept. I'm just saying that I'm not personally gonna go around worshiping the almighty Womb. Those are ancient traditions where females have equal or greater standing than males. And what woman can argue her intrinsic inferiority to men? Females make up half the natural world- at least the part that can be divided into dual sexes.

Beside the woman empowerment aspect of paganism, in these times if more people choose to subscribe to a nature-based belief system so much the better. We need more Earth-conscious people.

~Marie

[TBF]_Obesity_09.12.2008_

The Future is Now!
(What do you think? Too over the top?)

Fast is the new “Normal”. We are always in a rush because apparently we all have somewhere to be at some point. I don’t know where.. but it’s somewhere! But one thing I’ve learned about being fast and living in the “go-go-go” world of today, is that all the decisions we make now a days are pretty much knee jerk reactions, I mean seriously, no real thought is put into anything anymore, and that includes above all else.. How we take care of ourselves.

People! Today’s world is powered by Fast: Fast cars, fast electronics, and fast women and of course fast food.

Oh sure the idea of doing 55 while getting a hummer from some strange girl, checking your twitter while ordering the #7 w/ cheese sounds like fun but I keep forgetting… I can’t drive 55!

Obesity is one of, if not the biggest growing health concerns facing many today. Evidently why make a sandwich for lunch the night before when buying a Big Mac is so much easier.

I have research. I have comments. I have an urge to put foot to ass on something…

In case you missed my point… We’re baaaaack!


So bring it Bitches!

The Brian Factor: Obesity

Right now!

“Hi There, Are you a large person? Pleasantly plump? A little on the hefty side perhaps? Well let’s face it. Are you fat? When you go jogging, do you leave potholes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do elephants throw you peanuts? Do you look at the menu and say, “Ok.”“?

What? You thought I was going to take it easy just because I’m starting back up after 8 months? Fuck off!

First off in case you’re blind or just never wanted to look at the photos I’ve posted, I am not a small man. I’ve admitted this and made peace with it. I no longer go swimming because a Japanese whaler once thought I was worth a hefty reward. So it’s safe to say that I happen to know a little something about this subject as opposed to some others who believe that gaining that five pounds that turns you from a size 2 to a size 4 gives you the right to call yourself an expert/ sufferer.

Obesity today is the end result of some outside influences coupled with our own individual lack of common sense. Back in 2006 the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (NHANES) released a report showing the increase of obesity among adults between 1976 and 2000 and to give an idea of how far we’ve come, it basically runs down like this:

1976: 40% of American adults were considered obese

1988: the number of obese has jumped from to 56%

2000: the number jumped again to 64%

That was in 2000. Eight years ago. Are you stating to notice a pattern here? Look, unless you’re the Hulk, You don’t wake up overnight and find that your pants don’t fit anymore. Obesity is a gradual process, usually weeks and months, so you could imagine the fact that unless you’re too involved in the living drama that is your life or something else, you would notice a belly where your prized six-pack once stood.

People think that just cause you’re fat, the only problem you’ll have is trying to find a shirt that fits, when in reality numerous diseases and afflictions can be traced to being obese: Asthma, Fallen arches, acid reflux, heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, cholesterol, Etc. and to really drive the nail home, back in 2004 the CDC release their study confirming that obesity-attributable medical expenditures reached $75 billion dollars. Now that is a lot of cheeseburgers!

This isn’t just something affecting adults, Children at an early age are pretty much being given the shaft health wise because what they eat sets the stage for what will happen. When I was in high school I worked in the student store that sold majority of the snacks/ drinks to the student body and I know majority of the people who read this haven’t been in school for at least 7-10 years but allow me to give you an idea of what’s change since you were in school.

The idea of the healthy lunch is pretty much an idea. Most of the foods they sell are just microwave able burritos and daily deliveries of Pizza from the local Round Table. Water/ juices are still an option but so are sodas, energy drinks, and stuff that will make your dentist very happy come check up time, guess which one wins. The idea of “Brain food” usually consisted of fresh fruit, bagels, muffins, granola bars, sunflower seeds and trail mix. Now they’ve expanded the concept to include chips, ice cream, various sugary snacks and basically enough candy to open my own chocolate factory (I even wore a suit and often would burst into song while working at the store.)

Normally I’d give my spiel on what can be done to fix things, though it looks like that might not be necessary. Then again. What kind of idiot doesn’t realize that feeding your kid nothing but sugar is a death sentence in the making! Is it so wrong to teach your kids that there’s nothing wrong with a fucking salad? I mean come on; veggies aren’t just an option on your pizza, people. They contain vitamins that keep you healthy and always add something new your palate. At least some school are showing initiative now, reports show that many school are now banning vending machines and are paying attention to the nutritional levels of what they sell. Normally it would be enough but it’s not just the schools, parents as usual have to take responsibility for what their children eat. You can’t feed the kid take out every night and wonder why he can’t breathe when he goes running.. Correction, IF HE GOES RUNNING! It also wouldn’t hurt if you did the kid a favor and kicked his/ her ass outside to get some fresh air instead of letting him sit down playing X-Box or checking their MySpace all night long.

As I end my factor for this week I will leave you with these parting words:

Being healthy is not difficult; it’s in fact pretty easy. Weighing 300 + lbs and trying to breathe, but your asthma stops you.. Now that’s difficult.

Until Next Time.

[S]_09.11.2008_

The calm before the storm... Are you ready?

[S]_09.06.2008_

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