Growing up, I always recalled this assignment being the first sign that fun time was over and that it was time to get my head back in the game. Granted, my school days are behind me (at the moment), but considering that I have been on a summer vacation from The Brian Factor since June and with my return slated for Oct. I decided to revive this classic paper as both some well needed exercise for my writing skills and a basic catch up column for anyone who cares to know....
During summer we're expected to go out and be free, no longer thinking about rules and responsibilities. I admit I too had that originally in mind, but fate had other ideas. I started this season wanting nothing but the simplest things, and I ended up learning more about myself and breaking away parts of myself I hadn't realized were there. For me Summer began on June 1st, when I enjoyed two days of normal summer peace, but my vacation ended on June 2nd. A pity really, but the adventure that lay ahead in retrospect was important and had the road had to be taken now. It was Saturday that I recieved a phone call that would change everything....
SARAH:
We dated and eventually became on-and-off, the end result of our ever conflicting lives and realities (and yes, there is a difference between the two). In our "on" times they were magic, the stuff that was if I had to describe it in one word... Perfect. There was love, honor, happiness, all of which I felt had eluded me for a lifetime, but I had it in my hands. I finally understood how it truly felt to be alive for the first time in a long time. But even when you think everything's perfect, it's not. It was a Saturday when I recieved a phone call. I thought it was to confirm our plans but in a sad tone she said the words anyone fears to hear when they're in a relationship: "We need to talk." She told me how during one of our "on" times she had gone to a party with a friend and had a few drinks, and one thing led to another and then they slept together. To make it even more interesting, she told me tht she was now pregnant; in fact, she told me that she was three months pregnant which, naturally, got to me on a million different levels. But the icing on the cake was the news that she was going to raise the baby with the father... So much news all at once left me speechless and all I said was goodbye.
I won't deny how I felt. I loved her, I wanted to marry her. I had in essence regained my life because of her and now she was gone. I remember that I didn't speak for two days and that a million thoughts ran through me. While I'll avoid the details, I will give the short version: I loved her, and I gave her everything I had, and it just wasn't enough, so she left and now she has a new life with a baby on the way and she's finally gonna get her dream... well actually it was our dream but it's hers now. I never thought that I would have a dream and I never thought I would lose it but I did on both, so for a while I walked on without a dream.
POSSIBLE REDEMPTION?:
For the remainder of June I spent a good amount of time to myself to recover and I feared that I may not ever get close to anyone again. But as all good or bad things are known for, when you least expect it new opportunities and new directions in life open up. I knew this woman who was always a loyal friend and one I had always felt a true connection with and I admit my feelings for her grew in my recovery, and I knew of the downside to my feelings: she was already taken. Being one who usually lives with a sense of honor, I knew I couldn't act on my feelings; I couldn't deny my feelings but how could I act on them, it wasn't right. But I was tired of playing by the rules, so one evening, harmless as any other, we met and talked and out of nowhere - call it just the heat of a moment - I asked to kiss her and then we did. I can admit that I felt like a kid again after it, but I was really happy that I did kiss her; I didn't want to be living in the shadows of my pain anymore, and in that one kiss, I had regained my confidence back. I had regained that spark of life, but of course I couldn't avoid my feelings for her and the fact that I really couldn't pursue them. I was again stuck with a quarrel about what to do: pursue her or leave her be? I was stuck with that running through my head for the better part of the Summer, but one day I saw her walking out of a building with her boyfriend, and just seeing them together made me realize that she was happy with her man, and the last thing I would ever want to do is destroy that. I decided then and there that I wouldn't pursue her anymore. I know she's happy and for me that's all that matters in the end.
GETTING BACK TO BASICS:
In the home stretch of Summer (or August for you who didn't get it) I had pushed away people that mattered to me. I had become noticably isolated, my work ethic had become fierce, I was always working with no room for error and actually showed a stronger work ethic than I ever had before. I realized that I had channeled my pain and my anger into my drive. I finished projects ahead of schedule and I even contemplated keeping this new mindset since; all the pain didn't actually stop me from doing my job or my life, I just worked. I didn't have any friends who were free at the time, I had no relationship, I had no real anything for me outside of work, so I worked. About a week or so ago I realized that what I do means nothing if the people that mean the most to me aren't there to share it with me, so slowly I'm making an effort to fix my mistakes over the last month. I admit my life isn't perfect, but it's still my life and I have to make the best of it.
It's common for things to change in the course of our lives: our friends, our goals, even our dreams. I firmly believed that what happens, happens for a reason; granted the end results will suck if they go that way but we still accept some things and move on.
I know that I'm supposed to tell you everything I did over Summer, and I am; this whole mess was a big part of my Summer, but I did go out and still live my life. I went to concerts and I hit the night life and I traveled up to the city and I had a ten-year-old boy in my care for almost a month, and it was even my birthday. But the focus of the assignment (at least everytime Ii had it) was how this Summer changed you as a person, and this was it. I learned how to grow up a little more this year, I learned that there are times when you have to let the things that mean the most to you go, and even let go of the things you want now cause they're not yours to have.
I know we like to think that one day the lessons are over, but in reality they never end. In fact, Summer is when we face the bulk of our lessons: we learn about life, we learn about love, we learn when and how those perfect moments will appear out of nowhere and we learn that we can't always win, we have to lose every once in a while, we're always growing, we're always learning. I decided to strip down to the basics in my life; I know that means letting go of the past and just starting over from scratch, but I will always have the good times in my heart and the bad times in my mind, so that way I'm always learning.
Now that the Fall is coming, I'm expected to get my head back in the game. I'm expected to take the lessons I learned and use them. I will in time. I'm alone again, but this time there is no sadness, there isn't doubt, or anger, or sorrow, there's just quiet and room to breathe and think.
Which is always a good thing.
And that's how I spent my Summer vacation: taking one hell of a ride and learning more about myself and getting great memories and one or two photos as well.
I have about 6 1/2 weeks til The Brian Factor's back on for another season. I'm gonna finish getting myself together and then I'll go to work.
Until Next Time,
-B.R.
Labels: About Brian
