Technical Difficulties

My laptop screen is dead. Also, it seems everyone besides me on TBF is sick. So until I hear otherwise, there will be no updates. TBF mailing list and Brian's MySpace will probably update the soonest, but there will be no Factor this week.

Unhindered: What's on my mind

It's been two weeks. And here I am with nothing much on my mind- except for the bladed pendulum lowering millimeter by millimeter toward my chest (i.e. the big "what I'm going to do with my life" decision).

Honestly, I haven't been coping with it all that well. I try to avoid thinking about it. That whole ostrich-head-in-the-sand thing? Me. But despite my avoidance of the issue, my uncertain future is still kicking me in the ass.

Remember my whole chronic anxiety disorder thing? That I've been on medication for since elementary school? It's kicking in as it hasn't for years. I wake up and feel anxious. I consider doing stuff and I feel anxious. I think about making myself lunch and I feel anxious. Lately, even thinking about talking to my friends makes me anxious. Suddenly, I have this whole social phobia thing starting. My appetite comes and goes, and I have more days with mini panic attacks than without.

I guess I must seem to hold it together pretty well. And honestly, I'm not in despair 24/7. But lately I've gone back to my old thoughts that maybe I won't be able to cope with life. Since eighth grade I've amended this belief into understanding that I won't ever be able to cope with life like most people do, and I thought I had accepted that. But I'm almost 24 and reality has been pressing down hard in the past six months, and I'm panicking at the looming box my whole life is supposed to be caged in and defined by: job, bills, responsibility. Because it's time. I'm supposed to be an adult. I'm supposed to be independent. And I'm still dysfunctional and limited and fucking terrified.

Well, this turned out to be a more personal blog entry than I (and probably most of you) wanted it to be. Yup, I'm a basket case, and now it's out there for anyone to read. And the people who I talk to and read this are probably going to be concerned and supportive. Which is something that mortifies and uneases me. (Which is why I tend to hide this shit in the first place.) But I guess I need to "let people in and care about me" and all that stuff that therapists have been telling me for the majority of my life. Guys, don't take it personally that I never tell you how hard it gets; it's because if you do know then you will keep bringing up the subject (out of concern) and I will be forced to own up to it and face it. Which is what true friends are supposed to do if someone's behavior is harming themselves (hey, I've told plenty of my friends to stop drinking/smoking/cutting/lying/fucking because it was affecting their lives in a negative way). Perhaps I wouldn't mind if it was some habit with outside influence. But I'm battling with my mind and emotions. If my dearest friends gather and confront me with "Godammit, Marie! You can't just try to hide from life anymore!" it would be different than a drug intervention, 'cause the demons I have are fear and expectations and the monkey on my back is my anxiety. I am my own worst enemy and I am responsible for the shit that's wrong with me; I'm scared that if you know that and see how bad it is that you'll see how sick and wrong and unworthy I am. That is just one of those irrational fears that I have, and as much as I understand that it is irrational, that belief isn't going away any time soon.

Alright, I'm ending this week's editorial here. Feel free to comment about me, friendship, or the human condition in general; I can't promise that I'll respond in Echoes, (since I'm still stuck without wireless) but I will read your responses eventually. Thanks for putting up with my self-indulgence.

TBF: New Year

Dull Boy
By: Mudvayne

All work and no play makes me a dull boy..
All work and no play makes me a dull boy..
All work and no play makes me a dull boy..
All work and no play makes me a dull boy!!

Live in a secret
Live in a lie
Live in a dark hole beneath the black sky
Live like a martyr and draw my last breath
Feel like an old man with a knife in my chest

Live like a transient
Live like a thief
Hide in a closet, grinding my teeth
Sit in a small room with the walls closing in
Open the shutters but everything's still dim

Payback
For all the things
I've done in my past

Payback
For everything
There are no take backs

I'm not the reason
It's not my fault
It's not my problem
I'm not the cause

I'm not your scapegoat
I'm not your god
I'm not your martyr
I'd leave you all

I'm not the reason - (I'm not your scapegoat)
It's not my fault - (I'm not your god)
It's not my problem - (I'm not your martyr)
I'm not the cause - (I'd leave you all)


All work and no play makes me a dull boy

Feel like a clown without my funny nose
Walk to the window, break it out with my fist
Jump from the sill and I'll plunge to my death
You can be selfish whatever ya think
Throw back my pills and take a sip of my drink

Walk under the clouds
Walk under the trees
Always again envy covering me

Payback
For all the things
I've done in my past

I'm not the reason
It's not my fault
It's not my problem
I'm not the cause

I'm not your scapegoat
I'm not your god
I'm not your martyr
I'd leave you all

I'm not the reason - (I'm not your scapegoat)
It's not my fault - (I'm not your god)
It's not my problem - (I'm not your martyr)
I'm not the cause - (I'd leave you all)

Sunshine's gone
It's all gone

By the way, just so you know
Always, this is how I feel

By the way, just so you know
Always, everyday, this is how I feel

I'm not the reason
It's not my fault
It's not my problem
I'm not the cause
I'm not your scape goat (I'm not your scape goat)
I'm not your god (I'm not your god)
I'm not your martyr (I'm not your martyr)

This is how I feel (this is how I feel)

By the way, just so you know
Always, everyday, this is how I feel
-----------------------------------------------------------------


A new year. Usually we're giving ourselves the ever needed pep talk and psych ups so we can make it "Our year to shine". I know I'm not alone here, by the time this will post about 45% of the people will have attempted their new years resolutions and will have given up. I gave up on the prospect of a New years resolution 5 years ago. I tried my best but it just never worked out. ultimately you get to a point and you say "fuck it". Ironically in the time since I swore off resolutions, I've actually been able to accomplish more both in my health and in my career. Harlean Carpenter and I were talking last week and we both agreed that people jump the gun too soon, they expect the easy fix and one good Rocky training sequence later and they figure that they'll come out as Mr.Universe or they quit smoking/ drinking, they aim to eat better and read more and blah blah blah blah.

When you aim to better yourself, first off and I know I'm not alone here: Make sure it's what you want to do!

Secondly: Wait two weeks. if you still have that idea in your head, then it's the real deal. So go hit the gym, hit the books, hit yourself, hired a girl to hit you in various places and put out cigarettes on your tongue, just put some thought into it before you slap the cash down. Finally don't expect a quick fix, if you had the idea in your head for a while, then chances are that's how long you're suppose to try said idea before you'll get results.

As you're reading this I probably sound a little agitated, truth is.. not so much. I started this year pretty quiet I got the hell out of town like I said I would, and once again, every time and anytime I get out of town I get a reminder of how small I am. It's important every once in a while to see yourself in a new environment where your identity and your status are gone and you become the stranger in a strange land. We all need it, whether we want to admit it or not. Whether we believe it or not the world does not revolve you. your problems are not the world's problems, they're yours, plain and simple. Just do yourself a favor, get the fuck up and get the fuck out of town. I'd guarantee a break from the hell that is your life (I'm paraphrasing you) would completely change your perspective and might even relieve some of you of your condition, and what condition am I talking about? Well simple.. the condition of "stickupyourass-itis" I believe the name might be European in origin, I can't really be sure.

The truth is this, I left here and got out of the life of Brian Rodriguez, I stepped away from Brian the writer, Brian the clerk, Brian the guy who still feels funny when he talks to that one girl who wows him just by smiling and especially Brian the guy who spends his time in between the aforementioned stuff trying to figure his life out. I left, I didn't do anything grand and I especially didn't anything incriminating, I just got out and lived life through refreshed eyes and a refreshed heart. I spent time just being happy. I know I said that I haven't been depressed since back in April and thankfully I'm still not but had I been when I left, I would've ended up finding my smile again and shown a glimpse of something that wasn't too far out from my reach, but was ultimately out of my reach because of my own fears and insecurities. No matter how much you deal with those fears and insecurities, Ultimately what gets you anywhere is your desire to get there.

It's a new year. It's a new chance. Time to make it count. So will you?

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Determined
By: Mudvayne

Go...
So fucking determined
Yeah, yeah go...
You better believe it, confidence
Go...
So fucking determined
Yeah, yeah go...
Spit out all reason,
Yeah

I'm tired of holdin' up the weight,
The weight of the motherfuckin' world.
All I want is just to get right here
Right now.
We struggle and fight just to get in a grave
That's overflowing
Clock's ticking on my fifteen minutes of fame
Come on now, one two three go

So fucking determined
Yeah, yeah go...
You better believe it, confidence
Go...
So fucking determined
Yeah, yeah go...
Spit out all reason,
Yeah

I'm flushing the trust of everyone
Stabbing in the back and thinkin' they can break me
Set my sight can't die 'till I'm done, mind endurance
Never wanted anymore than what I deserve
Better bring it I'm taking it all
Fuck an inch 'cause I'm bringin' a mile
It's on now one two three go

So fucking determined
Yeah, yeah go...
You better believe it, confidence
Go...
So fucking determined
Yeah, yeah go...
Spit out all reason,
Yeah

This fire,
Is growing,
Is burning
Deep inside of me.
Focused,
Driven,
Certain,
The way it's got to be.

Fire.
Growing.
Burning.
Deep inside of me,
Focused,
Driven,
Certain,
The way it's got to be.

Crooked.
No trust.
Liars.
Con men.
Drunk with
Power.
Mentor.
Taught me everything that I know...

So wrong,
Wrong,
Wrong,
Wrong...

One two three GO...

So fucking determined
Yeah, yeah go...
You better believe it, confidence
Go...
So fucking determined
Yeah, yeah go...
Spit out all reason,
Yeah

Go...
I'm fucking determined
Yeah, yeah go...
You better believe it, confidence
Go...
I'm fucking determined
Yeah, yeah go...
Spit out all reason,
Yeah

TKO: 1/17/08

Money, money, money!

Why is it that when things seem to be going great financially in a relationship everything else seems to fall into place, but the second that money is tight, the relationships does a 180 turn and the fights and arguments begin. You begin to fight about everything, like which bills are more important than others, and of course the man always wants to pay the cable bill before anything else. God forbid they cut the cable, all hell will break loose. Women, we want the rent paid, and car note, and food, we are more sane especially when you have kids, because when you are single you guys can live in a studio, or with roommates and eat out and not care about major expenses, but when you have kids, cable my ass, (now I do love having that cable, especially the DVR, to record all my shows)

But it does not come first to grocery or PG&E, or the car note. Come on guys, what is wrong with you men. It is not going to kill you to miss football for a month or so till you get you sh*t back on track.

Personal experience, for instance when rent is paid, bills are current, food is on the table, and there is some spare change to go around, everything is good and gravy in my marriage. But on the other hand, when we get behind on bills, and rent etc, we cannot stand each other at times. Is it then true when they say “money is the root of all evil?” or should it perhaps be, the
absence of money is what causes people to turn into a lets say “evil-ish” way. I don’t know why but I got to admit that it is hard for me to be without money. If you ask my husband what is it that I need to be happy(besides my family and health), his answer will be “money”. I don’t know it just puts a smile on my face when I have some on my hands. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a materialistic person. I just like to have something to show for all the hard work I put at my job, now come on, wouldn’t anyone agree that no one likes to live paycheck to paycheck.

I just like knowing that things are paid for, and that we can go out to a movie or dinner without checking at the prices or having to resort to McDonald’s and a blockbuster movie. (Not that there is anything wrong with that either) I just like to have my cake and eat it too.

I can say growing up was nothing but hard times, I was raised by a wonderful single mother or four, my mother installed in me great work values, and she taught me that even though she was single and made less than minimum wage. She still paid rent, and put food on the table and clothes on our back without resorting to the Government for help. So money was tight and I did not have designer clothes, we ate rice and beans.. a lot, and when/ if we were lucky, we would have some meat. That is why I take every effort into working hard, and doing everything I can to make sure that my kids will never be hungry, that we have a roof over our head, (even if it’s a bathroom at a train station {shout out to Will Smith for his fabulous performance in "Pursuit of Happiness"}) my mother worked her ass off for 20 years making 6 dollars an hour and all she has to show for it is an injury and disability.

Both me and my husband work hard to be able to buy our kids the designer clothes, to get the name brands at the grocery store (not have to eat the imitation brand just to save some pennies, you guys know that imitation or generic brand mostly tastes like @$#*) and also be able to take them out and spend time with them, (of course when we can, because we are not rich). But like I said before, just as money can make me happy, not having it can make me upset, because I don’t want to feel like a failure, I don’t want to feel that I could not provide for my kids, that we can't go out because rent is not paid, now we got to worry about how rent is going to get paid, you know what I mean. (that is the worst feeling in the world)

That is why I want to be able to have something, many things to show for my hard work and my husband's, there is no right or wrong in it, to me it's survival, and if you can enjoy life while doing so then there you are, you made it, you don’t have to have a million dollars to be happy, just enough to have fun and give your kids everything in life you did not have when you were growing up. I want to give my kids a better life, I want to prepare them for greatness, and I want to give them a little taste of success by spending a little extra on their clothes, taking them out, showing them and teaching them that if you work hard you can afford to do these kinds of things. Nothing in life is free, you have to earn every penny, and know how to turn that penny into a dollar, that is the only way in life, strive to be the best and never settle for nothing less than that.

Until next time,

Angel

Brian's Song: Bloodtrocuted

New year, new font, new outlook, What more could you want???

For as long as I can recall a word often times used to describe my personality is "animated". At first I looked at the person saying thinking: "WTF?" But I can see now what they mean. Even Marie would tell you that I'm good for a laugh, even long time super friend of TBF, Harlean Carpenter gave her two cents about me and said she could never imagine herself ever being bored around me. People, I don't know about you... but that sounds like love to me.

So since I'm an animated guy, I decided to embrace my animated part for this week and come up with something very special, something equally animated and also very, very metal to start off 2008 here @ Brian's_Song. So without further ado, allow me to present one of the most brutal, metal, brutally metal bands out today..

So here you go kids, Dethklok for this week's Brian's Song: "Bloodtrocuted"



Truly.. Brutal.

"Bloodtrocuted" is off of Dethklok's Debut album "The Dethalbum" available online and in your local music stores.

It's definitely one of my favorite albums of 2007 and if you only follow one person's recommendation for music this year, God help you if you picked mine.

It's good to be home and just think.. I'm phoning this week in, imagine what will happen when I really apply myself.

Stay true, Stay you,

Until Next Time Kiddies,
-B

Old News is all I've got

Yeah, we got work to do. That's why I'm sitting (in a chair *grumble*) and typing this on Curtis' strange ergonomic keyboard. And Curtis is torturing me by making me sit up straight and having both feet dangling instead of having one foot comfortably tucked up under my other thigh.

Seriously, I can't work like this.

And you know why I'm sitting upright in a swivel chair? My laptop's wireless card isn't working. I'm back in the computer technology equivalent of the bronze age. Because the only way my computer can connect to the NEt is with an Ethernet cable.

So, yeah, I haven't been online much. I've pretty much been doing less geeky things like watching movies and playing Tomb Raider Anniversary and Final Fantasy X-2 on the PlayStation. And playing a couple of those dinner party murder-mystery games with a bunch of people.

Between the laptop situation and the storms the last week or two, nothing has really been going on. Oh, wait---

**NEWSFLASH**

I just now got the hiccups. Stay tuned for more developments in this story.

Yep, that's how exciting life has been for me.

Now, normally I'd write this stuff in my normal blog, but I hadn't written anything for TBF. And since I don't have a really good excuse to get me out of writing something for this week, I'm stuck rambling on about inconsequential minutiae. I'm basically ignorant of the current news, so there's no heated controversy that I can opine about. So let's go on to old news that I haven't addressed in this or ICTH (my personal blog):

The Death of Benazir Bhutto
The assassination of Pakistan's former Prime Minister is a world tragedy. She was the only woman to make it that high in an Islamic government. She was dedicated to resolving Pakistan's inter-party conflicts and vocal against extremist violence. For a religion that has such an anti-woman tradition (though the fanaticism of Islam's patrimonial dogma varies between cultures and countries), Bhutto being elected Prime Minister at all (let alone twice) is pretty amazing.

The State Primaries
I don't care about these too much. I'm disillusioned with the whole national political system. I want the conservative, uber-Evangelical Republicans booted out of the White House. I'm not too excited about either Clinton or Obama, except for the fact that this is the first presidential election in which a woman and a non-WASP male (besides Kennedy, who was the only Catholic US prez) have made it so far. I would preferably vote for some independent or minor party candidate (not that I know who is running, because of this blasted false-dichotomy bipartisan system), but in this particular election a non-Demo/Repub vote is essentially throwing your vote away. If I want my vote to actually count, I'm forced to side with one of two evils. And voting for the lesser of two evils is still a vote for evil. But if voting for a Democrat is what it takes to curtail the irresponsible, Jesus-centric, "What the heck is diplomacy?" right-wing Repubs, then I'm voting Democrat, so it doesn't really matter to me who the candidate is. (Though I was particularly impressed with Mike Gravel (D-AK) when he was interviewed on the McLehrer News Hour. He actually had plans to withdraw from Iraq and wanted to change foreign policy to emphasize diplomacy. Plus, I just got a good vibe.)

The Latest Britney Meltdown
I dunno what happened. I don't care. I just get disgusted by the paparazzi who are interviewed on those entertainment "news" programs who familiarly refer to the celebrities they are stalking by their first names. Speaking of the lesser of two evils, is "K-Fed" really much more of an improvement in a sole parental figure than Britney?

The Writers' Strike
I like the writers. ("'Til Death" isn't all that great, but "Heroes"... hell, yeah!) I'm kinda happy about the strike; hopefully fewer families are sitting around staring at the TV at nights instead of interacting with their children. And I think it's great that the late night show guys are having to write more of their material again. Apparently, they used to be funny all on their own; so let's see if they've still got the talent. And the Comedy Central "news" programs have picked up again as well. Colbert's return was especially great.

Alright. That's all I've got. So now you know why the poll hasn't been changed and why I'm late posting Brian's Soundboards. (Maybe this will convince Brian to get a Blogger account and post things himself.) See ya'll in a couple weeks.

Soundboard - 1/14/07

So we're finally up and running, Not long after this Soundboard, Marie should be posting her first "Unhindered" of the new year.

So with the new year we've made some small changes mostly the font and new Headline design, you know.. small shit.

But along with this year I believe in stepping up our game, I believe we should definitely push the envelope a little more, not because we thrive on shock value, but also because sometimes you reach a point where sugar coating becomes pointless. In this new year we will shock you, we will offend you, we may even make you squirm...


Brian Rodriguez

Marie

Angel

Lady Temptress


We are The Brian Factor... And we got work to do.

Soundboard- 01/08/08

We were set for this week but actually I've just been informed that we're having technical difficulties due to the recent storms here in California. We're working night and day to remedy the situation but at the moment it'll looks like we're down this week.


We apologize for any inconvenience and will update you upon any changes.


- The Brian Factor

Soundboard - 01/06/08

... We're back!

Staring with this Soundboard we are back from vacation and are up and running. Hope you're ready to have some fun.