Unhindered: What's on my mind
It's been two weeks. And here I am with nothing much on my mind- except for the bladed pendulum lowering millimeter by millimeter toward my chest (i.e. the big "what I'm going to do with my life" decision).
Honestly, I haven't been coping with it all that well. I try to avoid thinking about it. That whole ostrich-head-in-the-sand thing? Me. But despite my avoidance of the issue, my uncertain future is still kicking me in the ass.
Remember my whole chronic anxiety disorder thing? That I've been on medication for since elementary school? It's kicking in as it hasn't for years. I wake up and feel anxious. I consider doing stuff and I feel anxious. I think about making myself lunch and I feel anxious. Lately, even thinking about talking to my friends makes me anxious. Suddenly, I have this whole social phobia thing starting. My appetite comes and goes, and I have more days with mini panic attacks than without.
I guess I must seem to hold it together pretty well. And honestly, I'm not in despair 24/7. But lately I've gone back to my old thoughts that maybe I won't be able to cope with life. Since eighth grade I've amended this belief into understanding that I won't ever be able to cope with life like most people do, and I thought I had accepted that. But I'm almost 24 and reality has been pressing down hard in the past six months, and I'm panicking at the looming box my whole life is supposed to be caged in and defined by: job, bills, responsibility. Because it's time. I'm supposed to be an adult. I'm supposed to be independent. And I'm still dysfunctional and limited and fucking terrified.
Well, this turned out to be a more personal blog entry than I (and probably most of you) wanted it to be. Yup, I'm a basket case, and now it's out there for anyone to read. And the people who I talk to and read this are probably going to be concerned and supportive. Which is something that mortifies and uneases me. (Which is why I tend to hide this shit in the first place.) But I guess I need to "let people in and care about me" and all that stuff that therapists have been telling me for the majority of my life. Guys, don't take it personally that I never tell you how hard it gets; it's because if you do know then you will keep bringing up the subject (out of concern) and I will be forced to own up to it and face it. Which is what true friends are supposed to do if someone's behavior is harming themselves (hey, I've told plenty of my friends to stop drinking/smoking/cutting/lying/fucking because it was affecting their lives in a negative way). Perhaps I wouldn't mind if it was some habit with outside influence. But I'm battling with my mind and emotions. If my dearest friends gather and confront me with "Godammit, Marie! You can't just try to hide from life anymore!" it would be different than a drug intervention, 'cause the demons I have are fear and expectations and the monkey on my back is my anxiety. I am my own worst enemy and I am responsible for the shit that's wrong with me; I'm scared that if you know that and see how bad it is that you'll see how sick and wrong and unworthy I am. That is just one of those irrational fears that I have, and as much as I understand that it is irrational, that belief isn't going away any time soon.
Alright, I'm ending this week's editorial here. Feel free to comment about me, friendship, or the human condition in general; I can't promise that I'll respond in Echoes, (since I'm still stuck without wireless) but I will read your responses eventually. Thanks for putting up with my self-indulgence.
Honestly, I haven't been coping with it all that well. I try to avoid thinking about it. That whole ostrich-head-in-the-sand thing? Me. But despite my avoidance of the issue, my uncertain future is still kicking me in the ass.
Remember my whole chronic anxiety disorder thing? That I've been on medication for since elementary school? It's kicking in as it hasn't for years. I wake up and feel anxious. I consider doing stuff and I feel anxious. I think about making myself lunch and I feel anxious. Lately, even thinking about talking to my friends makes me anxious. Suddenly, I have this whole social phobia thing starting. My appetite comes and goes, and I have more days with mini panic attacks than without.
I guess I must seem to hold it together pretty well. And honestly, I'm not in despair 24/7. But lately I've gone back to my old thoughts that maybe I won't be able to cope with life. Since eighth grade I've amended this belief into understanding that I won't ever be able to cope with life like most people do, and I thought I had accepted that. But I'm almost 24 and reality has been pressing down hard in the past six months, and I'm panicking at the looming box my whole life is supposed to be caged in and defined by: job, bills, responsibility. Because it's time. I'm supposed to be an adult. I'm supposed to be independent. And I'm still dysfunctional and limited and fucking terrified.
Well, this turned out to be a more personal blog entry than I (and probably most of you) wanted it to be. Yup, I'm a basket case, and now it's out there for anyone to read. And the people who I talk to and read this are probably going to be concerned and supportive. Which is something that mortifies and uneases me. (Which is why I tend to hide this shit in the first place.) But I guess I need to "let people in and care about me" and all that stuff that therapists have been telling me for the majority of my life. Guys, don't take it personally that I never tell you how hard it gets; it's because if you do know then you will keep bringing up the subject (out of concern) and I will be forced to own up to it and face it. Which is what true friends are supposed to do if someone's behavior is harming themselves (hey, I've told plenty of my friends to stop drinking/smoking/cutting/lying/fucking because it was affecting their lives in a negative way). Perhaps I wouldn't mind if it was some habit with outside influence. But I'm battling with my mind and emotions. If my dearest friends gather and confront me with "Godammit, Marie! You can't just try to hide from life anymore!" it would be different than a drug intervention, 'cause the demons I have are fear and expectations and the monkey on my back is my anxiety. I am my own worst enemy and I am responsible for the shit that's wrong with me; I'm scared that if you know that and see how bad it is that you'll see how sick and wrong and unworthy I am. That is just one of those irrational fears that I have, and as much as I understand that it is irrational, that belief isn't going away any time soon.
Alright, I'm ending this week's editorial here. Feel free to comment about me, friendship, or the human condition in general; I can't promise that I'll respond in Echoes, (since I'm still stuck without wireless) but I will read your responses eventually. Thanks for putting up with my self-indulgence.
Labels: marie
posted by Marie at 6:38 PM
5 Comments:
For whatever it may be worth: I have often found that the anticipation before doing something is far worse than whatever it is you do. Even if the something turns out to be bad, fretting about how bad it could be has usually been worse than the thing itself, and once it's over, you get to look back with relief at it being completed, at least.
Therefore, I offer this piece of advice: don't stop to think, just do it. Sure, you need to think to some extent -- you can't just jump in the car without knowing where you're going -- but once you know where you want to go, get in and drive. Don't sit in the driver's seat worrying that the engine will explode when you turn it on, that your brakes will fail, that a cement truck will pull out just as you go into reverse and flatten the car, that you'll run out of gas, or that you really should be going somewhere else instead. Just put it in gear, check your mirrors, and hit the pedal.
You can apply the same thing to life in general. Don't think, do. You're not as old as you think you are, but in reality, yes, you should be getting some idea of what you want to do. In the meantime, stay occupied. If you don't know what you want to do for your career, work full-time until you do, even if it's just at Starbucks, and yes, don't rule Starbucks out just because you have a degree (incidentally, Starbucks offers great benefits, even to part-time employees). If you love Starbucks, maybe you were meant to work there. Move up the chain. If you get tired, think of what you'd rather do. Then do whatever you need to do to get there. Then do the thing.
Moving, moving, moving. People are animals. And we're not sedentary animals either. If I don't get some exercise on a daily basis -- running, lifting, walking briskly, something -- I get antsy, and anxious. If I have no responsibilities -- work, homework, midterms to study for, an appointment to prepare for, a job interview, something -- I feel the same way. So exercise, too. And work. Keep yourself busy. You didn't evolve to sit still.
In short: Get moving. In every sense of the word. Why are you still reading? Get out there. Go.
You are absolutely right. Anticipation and fear of the unknown is what really starts up my panic attacks. And somehow I make it through the major and minor anxieties of going on trips, going to movie theaters, going to university, going to restaurants, going to people's houses, etc. Panic attacks turn me into quivering jelly many times in the days (sometimes weeks) before something big (like a trip or moving to UCSC twice), and then I often have at least one small attack the day of the event (in the morning before I leave for an appointment or in the time between the planning stages and the getting-in-the-car stages of meeting up with friends). But that never rules out the very real possibility of anxiety attacks happening when I'm away from home; in fact, I usually get some minor tremors of fear and "Oh my God-don't break down-not here and not now-not in front of people!" And sometimes full-on anxiety attacks happen, and I have to excuse myself from the table and hide alone in the bathroom being sick and shivering and sweating and shaking and trying to manage my breathing and racing thoughts and heartbeat. When I emerge, then I have to smile things off ("Really, I'm fine!") or make excuses and shakily drive myself home or tell my ride that I need to leave NOW and that I'm sorry I have to cut his/her fun short so she/he can drive me home so I can crawl into bed with soothing music.
But besides that, important things have been stalling me from getting a job. Once I figured out that I wanted to try working as an aide in a special education classroom, I spend a day in a class taught by someone I know, and I enjoyed it. Since Christmas break my Mom and I have been networking ('cause so many people at her church are involved in education), and I had to go to a clinic and take a TB test (yay! I passed!), and now I'm waiting until my appointment to be fingerprinted at the SJSD office (Feb. 2). (Of course, if I end up at a private school or one in another district, I'll have to be fingerprinted in *that* district, too...)
So things are happening. Whatever job I get will have to be part part-time or flexible. And in the meantime I'm supposed to be figuring out how to apply for disability (as recommended by my psychiatric doctor). And as for going around, I am dependent on my Mom's erratic schedule, 'cause there's the one car (I'm not driving Dad's Odyssey down the hills, and I'm not considering even asking about borrowing my sister's car). (I guess it is slightly ironic that once I get a job, grandma will buy me a car.)
As to your Starbuck's suggestion... I don't like coffee. I'm not even interested in almond-mocha-whipped cream-blueberry-Necco-toffee-Turkish Delight-eye of newt- flavored coffee beverages. So the discounts and freebies mean very little to me.
Well, the Starbucks was merely a generic "shitty place to work" (although one of my cousins worked there for a while when he was just a little younger than you and liked it, annoying drinks aside), although I get your drift.
Let me also say, I'm not a stranger to full-on "I'm going crazy" panic attacks. During one part in my life, I suffered from a few of them, and although it was only a handful, I full appreciate the debilitating quality.
One note for more general antsy/anxious feelings, though, which you may or may not know. Interestingly enough, the brain chemistry for anxiety and excitement are essentially identical. It's the same mixture of anticipatory chemicals; the only difference is in how your brain interprets them. So one of the things you can do is to physically and mentally force yourself to change your thinking. Instead of saying, "Oh God, what's going to happen?," you can say, "This will be fun, I will do fine -- in fact, I will enjoy myself, I'm safe, and everything will be alright." It's a trick I credit in part to your boyfriend, as well as my mom, a couple of therapists I've had in the past, and some of my own doing.
For example, I was very nervous before my first dance class -- but not at all for any of my math classes. You may be thinking, "Jacob, you're crazy! You're in insane billion-level math, and you're scared of a little social dance?" But hear me out. Yes, math can be terrible. But I'm so steeped in it, so used to it, so much a living breathing part of it, and I've taken so much of it, that math is nothing new. You cannot surprise me with a math class, test, quiz, book, lecture whatever anymore. But dancing? And girls? And what if I sweat? And what if I can't figure out the steps and I trip and fall on my ass? And what if I'm dancing with the cute girl and I stomp on her foot? Not my field of expertise. But I went, and I liked it, and I went again, and I absolutely loved it, and then I went a third time, and I liked it pretty well, but I got lost at the end. So I felt bad about myself. And you know what? Today, I felt a little nervous. But I just said, "Jacob, you're fine, you're competent, you're doing great, and you're going to have a good time." And you know what? Ask Curtis about my tangoing. I had a fantastic time.
Or the last girl I took out on a date. I always get nervous before dates. But I just decided, fuck it, I'm going to have a good time. So you know what? Even though she acted like a freak (no, really) and sat there nervously the whole time -- and I mean, well, I was taking a girl who already had a boyfriend out on a date, so what do I expect? -- I had a great time. I laughed, and I enjoyed myself, and I left happy, even though she ceased all communication with me (I said she was a freak, right?). Because, damn it all, I decided to have a good time.
I don't know if that helps at all. But I know that the human brain is mutable, and the power of self-suggestion can work miracles. You just have to know how to self-suggest.
wow, my props to you for getting the courage to let people in. I know life is and can get hard, sometimes more hard that you might think you can handle, and you begin to question every scary option to get out of that situation, but believe me when I say, it will get better, it might not happen now or when you want it to, but hang in there, because it will, you just got to manage your life and learn how to surround your self with the people that care about you. Trust me when I tell you, I have the same problem about letting my feelings out to my friends and love ones, because I dont want the way they look at me to change, I dont want them to feel sorry for me, or concern for me, but I desperately need their support, but I just hold it all in, this past year for me has been a hard trial, and it is one of those things that you suppress inside, for fear of judgements, and feeling sorry for me, I dont want people to look at me and say "poor Rocio, she is really going through it"et, I am used to everyone seeing me as strong, even though I am one of the most sensitive persons out there, I hide alot of my pain inside, which like you said could be my downfall, if it was not for my kids, and my husband, I would run away, far away, who knows maybe I would not be alive right now, but I put my self in the hands of God, for me he is my strenght, and I have to believe that he will make it better, or else I will go insane, if I rely on my self. I hope my words may encourage you or anyone else, without me getting into details about my struggles, but I do believe that life does get better, and you at 24, your life is only starting out, but you will have your share of ups and downs, just know, what does not kill you, only makes you stronger, if you let it.
I love you!
I know it's tough, but a lot of what you go through isn't easy for anyone. I feel anxious about the future just about every day that I think about it (and believe me, I try not to think about it if I don't have to).
Someone once said that courage isn't the absence of fear, it's simply not letting it stop you. Or maybe I heard it in a movie. Anyway, the point is that you've really accomplished a lot and I'm mucho proud of you for that. You're going to have obstacles to face and you're more than capable of dealing with them, but you can't let your anxiety rule you. You need to find a way to work through that on your own terms, set yourself up for success instead of worrying about failure -- like what Jacob said about your brain.
You've got a boyfriend, family, and friends who love you and are here for you whenever you need them. You shouldn't ever feel ashamed for leaning on someone when you need help. That's what friends and family are for. We all have our worries and difficulties, and we all have times of uncertainty and doubt. Only a crazy would act with total confidence in all things. As for everyone else, we lean on each for support whenever we need to. It's okay to be imperfect -- that's more or less what it means to be human.
Just remember that you're not alone, there are many people who care about you and we're not going anywhere, damn it.
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