The Brian Factor - 12/07/07
The end of the year.. for many of us we see the end of the year as an end to all the shit that we had to deal with for the past 12 months. Many of us see New Year's as the beginning of something new, to finally start over with a fresh start, a clean slate... I admit that I tend to follow suit and see New years as a fresh start, God knows the setbacks and random shit I've faced this year and my eagerness to finally be rid of all that garbage.
So I figured if this is the end of the year and if I get a clean slate in a couple weeks... then maybe i should have one last blast of straight up hating before I get the spiritual wipe down. So no specific topic this week, instead a collage of mini factors filled with that oh so sweet Brian venom that we all know and love...
So this week on The Brian Factor... Get Your Hate On!!!
"Asshole"
By: Denis Leary
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream.
About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon, we don't know...
"I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar.
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
NAAAAH!
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)"
Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado, hot-fuckin'-pink, with whale skin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non- biodegradable Styrofoam containers... yeah! And when I'm done suckin' down those grease ball burgers I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why?
Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah! Two words--nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK? Russia, Czechoslovakia, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of fuckin' difference, because we got the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen! And when we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million times--that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Casavetti and Sam Peckinpaw and a case of fuckin' whiskey and drive...
(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole?)
Why don't you shut up and sing the song, Chris. I thought I was the asshole... all the time it was him... what an asshole!
"I'm an asshole (I'm an asshole, he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
A S-S H-O L-E
Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E"
I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it!
------------------------------------------------------
Oh we're gonna have some fun tonight!!!
Now when I said that we're gonna get some hate on I mean this: I come up with about 30 or so ideas for great topics to rant about, but after careful weeding I end up with a good 14 or so. The rejects have the excitement and definite appeal for a good rant but lacks any depth for the column, but it doesn't mean that it still doesn't deserve to have its ass handed to it. So let's party!!
RACISM V2.0:
One of my most popular topics from the very first season talked about how racism is very alive and well in today's society. Obviously we've come a long way from the days of segregation, riots and lynchings but the overall spirit of racism is still strong. In my column I wrote:
"Teach the next generation that to hate is to spit on everything this nation was formed on, teach them that to love one another and that no one deserves to be judged for being different. Teach them that racism is a poison that destroys lives and as we enter a new millennium, let's not be at each others throats, we can do more united then apart...."
Ah, I forgot how much of a spitfire I was back then. My original opinion back then was that racism was only in a racist's heart and mind. Back then my values were more black and white then now. Youth is notorious for creating a level of innocence and optimism that guides us for as long as we let it. Eventually you come face to face with reality and you find that the rules in black and white don't really apply when the world has numerous shades of gray. But just cause the world is gray doesn't mean black and white can't still make an impact. So what have I learned in two years?
First off I learned the difference of racism to stereotypes. To be racist means you are vocal and sometimes more than vocal about your discomfort and even disgust of other races, creeds, cultures while to have stereotypes means you believe the unwanted and unfortunately common perception of another person's race, creed and /or culture IS the official representative of said culture.
VENOM TIME!!
In the past year every time I see a person make a racist comment, it's usually blamed on the fact that you were caught up in the heat of the moment.
News flash genius: when you're angry, you more likely to speak the truth than any other time.
I know when I'm pissed I'll be a fountain of pure fucking sunshine and truth... except I'm usually out of sunshine. You can say that you're not a racist until the end of time but as history tells us, if you have to go out of your way to prove that you're not a racist, it's safe to say that you're the biggest racist this side of the sea. Now I will openly admit that I have said many things that can and would be considered racist, sexist, elitist, homophobic, genocidal and I even bash Soccer, but just because I hate doesn't mean I don't care. It just means I'm not afraid to point shit out.
Plus I won't lie, I've come across those stereotypes more time than I can count. I've met bad Asian drivers on the freeway who come thisclose to clipping me (with the scarier fact that I'm in the far left lane and yet they're still on my left!! What the hell are you driving on!!), I met Black people who will rob you, who robbed me. I know at least four or five Mexican day laborers with a possibility that two or more are a blood relative and of course I've met racist white people who assume I'm the janitor or worse, that I robbed them.
So I don't hate Black people, I don't hate White people, I don't hate Asians and I don't hate Mexicans, I hate the asshole who robs me, the asshole who thinks I'm the janitor and wants me to clean up a spill, the asshole who tries to hit me with his car and especially the asshole who thinks I'm his new apprentice and tries to teach me how to fix the roof. I don't want to know how to fix a roof, I was a trench digger, one man = one job!!! And stop calling me "Primo" (Cousin).
HYBRID CARS
It's easy to assume that I'll be bashing Hybrids and the whole green movement, God knows it's not hard to hate it. I mean the goal overall is admirable but the people who speak out for it make me want to hit something and hard!
So to get it out of the way.. I support the ideas of hybrids, I support alternative fuels, flying cars, cars underwater, cars that can act as a second liver, a third kidney, that picks up the kids so you don't have to, and even cars that are more than meets the eye!!! But seriously, get rid of your spokespeople, thanks to them I actually want to smash up a Hybrid car simply to spite them. Also don't think I wouldn't do it, One of the more famous aspects of a blog is that you can pretty much act as everything and everyone you nothing close to in real life, but trust me... I'D DO IT.
What I say here is pretty much a censored version of how I usually am outside, Marie has even admitted to editing what I say because it's honestly a little much.
Anyway hybrids, I grew up with classic cars, my father is a mechanic and most of our very little father - son time was at the garage. My first car is a '92 ford T-Bird with a 5.0 liter V8, I still got it and still love driving it. Most cars now are built as a 4 Cylinder or V6 engine, combine those with the right after market upgrades and you can soup up your ride to rival classic muscle cars at their best. So with that knowledge I'm not worried anymore about performance, handling, Gas Mileage, safety, all of it is greatly improved and they're even a bit on the roomy side (and I'm a big guy, so If I can fit, you've got all the room you could ever need.) Literally My only complaints are two things:
VENOM TIME!!
#1 Why do they make every Hybrid look like a fucking Egg?
Seriously I don't even use Post its anymore, I just see a Hybrid and remember to go to the store!! "Oh, I need a dozen eggs!" I feel like every time I see one that if I wait long enough, 20 clowns will pop out at any moment (of course everyone knows that clowns stole the idea of 20 people in a small car from Mexicans, who've perfected that technique over 40 years ago with VW bugs, God Bless that trunk!)
#2 Why do you have to brag so fucking much about what you're driving?
I drive an Altima, and a T-Bird, do you see me bragging?? No! I love my cars but that doesn't mean I need to feel superior to anyone, hell if I wanted to feel superior I'd let my T-Bird do the talking for me. All I'm saying is I get it, you're driving a Eco friendly car, you're saving money and using less gas. All I ask is that you don't keep telling me about it because:
1) You're annoying as hell when you squeal with pride that you have a Hybrid.
2) Keep bugging me about it and your head goes through the windshield (See above on whether or not I'd do it)
News flash! you're driving a Hybrid, You didn't cure cancer! So shut up! And I've said this before and I'll say it again proudly: "People who drive Hybrids are like people with 12 inch dicks: if you have to brag about it constantly, chances are it's the only good thing going on in your life!"
See? Who doesn't love a little venom here and there? Well I'd love to continue the fun but we're almost out of time, besides, I had the unfortunate luck of twisting my ankle this afternoon, so I need to sit down and relax (Dr's orders) But before I go here are just a few random Brian blurbs that I often live life with:
- Chicks with glasses are hot! they have great personality, they're smart, you have a partner when you burn ants, and they are some of the kinkiest women I've ever met! So remember: If she passes a vision test, she's not the one marry! The one who squints is the one for you..
- Always be skeptical is someone is willing to hook up with you as long as you're out in the open, they're just using you to get back at an ex who's in the vicinity and has a clear view of the two of you, that or she's a whore!
- If you're about to pestered by salesmen or worse yet MORMONS!! just answer the door in the nude, works every time. Just exercise caution on a winter day...enough said.
- I do not endorse violence against women but if she hits you first...Bitch is fair game!...What??
- Most religion is out to get your money, they will tell everything you want to hear for $3.99 a minute! The Brian Factor is free... with a $25 processing fee.
- Ladies if you want to know what it takes to get the heart of yours truly... I don't know what to tell you except you may possibly need therapy if you succeed.
- And finally if you have sex during the Holidays, Remember: "Tis Better to give than receive".. Wait that's crap! Actually change that to "Tis Better to Give... While Receiving!" See? that's not only better, it's just straight up fair. let it never be said that I'm not thoughtful during the Holidays!
So from all of us here at TBF to all of you, we wish you Happy Holidays and we'll see you in the new year cause nothing starts your year off right...like some venom!
Until Next Year,
-B
So I figured if this is the end of the year and if I get a clean slate in a couple weeks... then maybe i should have one last blast of straight up hating before I get the spiritual wipe down. So no specific topic this week, instead a collage of mini factors filled with that oh so sweet Brian venom that we all know and love...
So this week on The Brian Factor... Get Your Hate On!!!
"Asshole"
By: Denis Leary
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream.
About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon, we don't know...
"I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar.
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
NAAAAH!
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)"
Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado, hot-fuckin'-pink, with whale skin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non- biodegradable Styrofoam containers... yeah! And when I'm done suckin' down those grease ball burgers I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why?
Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah! Two words--nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK? Russia, Czechoslovakia, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of fuckin' difference, because we got the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen! And when we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million times--that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Casavetti and Sam Peckinpaw and a case of fuckin' whiskey and drive...
(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole?)
Why don't you shut up and sing the song, Chris. I thought I was the asshole... all the time it was him... what an asshole!
"I'm an asshole (I'm an asshole, he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
A S-S H-O L-E
Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E"
I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it!
------------------------------------------------------
Oh we're gonna have some fun tonight!!!
Now when I said that we're gonna get some hate on I mean this: I come up with about 30 or so ideas for great topics to rant about, but after careful weeding I end up with a good 14 or so. The rejects have the excitement and definite appeal for a good rant but lacks any depth for the column, but it doesn't mean that it still doesn't deserve to have its ass handed to it. So let's party!!
RACISM V2.0:
One of my most popular topics from the very first season talked about how racism is very alive and well in today's society. Obviously we've come a long way from the days of segregation, riots and lynchings but the overall spirit of racism is still strong. In my column I wrote:
"Teach the next generation that to hate is to spit on everything this nation was formed on, teach them that to love one another and that no one deserves to be judged for being different. Teach them that racism is a poison that destroys lives and as we enter a new millennium, let's not be at each others throats, we can do more united then apart...."
Ah, I forgot how much of a spitfire I was back then. My original opinion back then was that racism was only in a racist's heart and mind. Back then my values were more black and white then now. Youth is notorious for creating a level of innocence and optimism that guides us for as long as we let it. Eventually you come face to face with reality and you find that the rules in black and white don't really apply when the world has numerous shades of gray. But just cause the world is gray doesn't mean black and white can't still make an impact. So what have I learned in two years?
First off I learned the difference of racism to stereotypes. To be racist means you are vocal and sometimes more than vocal about your discomfort and even disgust of other races, creeds, cultures while to have stereotypes means you believe the unwanted and unfortunately common perception of another person's race, creed and /or culture IS the official representative of said culture.
VENOM TIME!!
In the past year every time I see a person make a racist comment, it's usually blamed on the fact that you were caught up in the heat of the moment.
News flash genius: when you're angry, you more likely to speak the truth than any other time.
I know when I'm pissed I'll be a fountain of pure fucking sunshine and truth... except I'm usually out of sunshine. You can say that you're not a racist until the end of time but as history tells us, if you have to go out of your way to prove that you're not a racist, it's safe to say that you're the biggest racist this side of the sea. Now I will openly admit that I have said many things that can and would be considered racist, sexist, elitist, homophobic, genocidal and I even bash Soccer, but just because I hate doesn't mean I don't care. It just means I'm not afraid to point shit out.
Plus I won't lie, I've come across those stereotypes more time than I can count. I've met bad Asian drivers on the freeway who come thisclose to clipping me (with the scarier fact that I'm in the far left lane and yet they're still on my left!! What the hell are you driving on!!), I met Black people who will rob you, who robbed me. I know at least four or five Mexican day laborers with a possibility that two or more are a blood relative and of course I've met racist white people who assume I'm the janitor or worse, that I robbed them.
So I don't hate Black people, I don't hate White people, I don't hate Asians and I don't hate Mexicans, I hate the asshole who robs me, the asshole who thinks I'm the janitor and wants me to clean up a spill, the asshole who tries to hit me with his car and especially the asshole who thinks I'm his new apprentice and tries to teach me how to fix the roof. I don't want to know how to fix a roof, I was a trench digger, one man = one job!!! And stop calling me "Primo" (Cousin).
HYBRID CARS
It's easy to assume that I'll be bashing Hybrids and the whole green movement, God knows it's not hard to hate it. I mean the goal overall is admirable but the people who speak out for it make me want to hit something and hard!
So to get it out of the way.. I support the ideas of hybrids, I support alternative fuels, flying cars, cars underwater, cars that can act as a second liver, a third kidney, that picks up the kids so you don't have to, and even cars that are more than meets the eye!!! But seriously, get rid of your spokespeople, thanks to them I actually want to smash up a Hybrid car simply to spite them. Also don't think I wouldn't do it, One of the more famous aspects of a blog is that you can pretty much act as everything and everyone you nothing close to in real life, but trust me... I'D DO IT.
What I say here is pretty much a censored version of how I usually am outside, Marie has even admitted to editing what I say because it's honestly a little much.
Anyway hybrids, I grew up with classic cars, my father is a mechanic and most of our very little father - son time was at the garage. My first car is a '92 ford T-Bird with a 5.0 liter V8, I still got it and still love driving it. Most cars now are built as a 4 Cylinder or V6 engine, combine those with the right after market upgrades and you can soup up your ride to rival classic muscle cars at their best. So with that knowledge I'm not worried anymore about performance, handling, Gas Mileage, safety, all of it is greatly improved and they're even a bit on the roomy side (and I'm a big guy, so If I can fit, you've got all the room you could ever need.) Literally My only complaints are two things:
VENOM TIME!!
#1 Why do they make every Hybrid look like a fucking Egg?
Seriously I don't even use Post its anymore, I just see a Hybrid and remember to go to the store!! "Oh, I need a dozen eggs!" I feel like every time I see one that if I wait long enough, 20 clowns will pop out at any moment (of course everyone knows that clowns stole the idea of 20 people in a small car from Mexicans, who've perfected that technique over 40 years ago with VW bugs, God Bless that trunk!)
#2 Why do you have to brag so fucking much about what you're driving?
I drive an Altima, and a T-Bird, do you see me bragging?? No! I love my cars but that doesn't mean I need to feel superior to anyone, hell if I wanted to feel superior I'd let my T-Bird do the talking for me. All I'm saying is I get it, you're driving a Eco friendly car, you're saving money and using less gas. All I ask is that you don't keep telling me about it because:
1) You're annoying as hell when you squeal with pride that you have a Hybrid.
2) Keep bugging me about it and your head goes through the windshield (See above on whether or not I'd do it)
News flash! you're driving a Hybrid, You didn't cure cancer! So shut up! And I've said this before and I'll say it again proudly: "People who drive Hybrids are like people with 12 inch dicks: if you have to brag about it constantly, chances are it's the only good thing going on in your life!"
See? Who doesn't love a little venom here and there? Well I'd love to continue the fun but we're almost out of time, besides, I had the unfortunate luck of twisting my ankle this afternoon, so I need to sit down and relax (Dr's orders) But before I go here are just a few random Brian blurbs that I often live life with:
- Chicks with glasses are hot! they have great personality, they're smart, you have a partner when you burn ants, and they are some of the kinkiest women I've ever met! So remember: If she passes a vision test, she's not the one marry! The one who squints is the one for you..
- Always be skeptical is someone is willing to hook up with you as long as you're out in the open, they're just using you to get back at an ex who's in the vicinity and has a clear view of the two of you, that or she's a whore!
- If you're about to pestered by salesmen or worse yet MORMONS!! just answer the door in the nude, works every time. Just exercise caution on a winter day...enough said.
- I do not endorse violence against women but if she hits you first...Bitch is fair game!...What??
- Most religion is out to get your money, they will tell everything you want to hear for $3.99 a minute! The Brian Factor is free... with a $25 processing fee.
- Ladies if you want to know what it takes to get the heart of yours truly... I don't know what to tell you except you may possibly need therapy if you succeed.
- And finally if you have sex during the Holidays, Remember: "Tis Better to give than receive".. Wait that's crap! Actually change that to "Tis Better to Give... While Receiving!" See? that's not only better, it's just straight up fair. let it never be said that I'm not thoughtful during the Holidays!
So from all of us here at TBF to all of you, we wish you Happy Holidays and we'll see you in the new year cause nothing starts your year off right...like some venom!
Until Next Year,
-B
Labels: TBF
posted by Marie at 6:30 PM
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