TBF: 11/8/07
Hey there,
This week I'm finally back after some personal setbacks, I'd normally be giving a teaser opening to give you guys an idea of what to expect this week but it's a different week and it's a different vibe all around but I do have something I want to share...
Weak and Powerless
By: A Perfect Circle
Tilling my own grave to keep me level...
Jam another dragon down the hole...
Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren...
one that pushes me along, and leaves me so...
desperate and ravenous...
I'm so Weak and powerless over you...
Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of china...
White as Dracula as I approach the bottom...
so desperate and ravenous.
I'm so Weak and powerless over you...
Little angel, go away...
Come again some other day...
Devil has my ear today...
I'll never hear a word you say...
He Promised I would find a little solace and some peace of mind...
Whatever. Just as long as I don't feel so desperate and ravenous.
I'm so Weak and powerless over you...
For the last three weeks, I¢ve been running around trying to keep everything around me from going crazy, while naturally going a little crazy myself in the process. Before I continue I should apologize for my absence two weeks ago, My Mother had some health issues that couldn¢t be ignored and the result was surgery. So now I'm maintaining more of my world than I've ever had to. I admit that this scared the hell out of me, I mean, who wouldn¢t feel overwhelmed?
But my absence wasn¢t completely due to that series of events, I had known about her health and surgery plans for a long time, so it wasn¢t unexpected, I had spent the better part of two months preparing and by then I was actually ready for it. The weekend right before surgery, it finally hit me about what was really happening. It was there that for the first time since this whole situation started. That I was actually afraid. My fear didn't come from the possibility of death or anything extreme like that, what really hit me was that fact that it was officially time for me to step up my game.
When you spend most of your time preparing for something and finally act on said event, you find yourself forgetting everything you learned and the even harder lesson of nothing being exactly the way you learn it would be. I don't really have a title for this week so just call it what it is. A reflection.
What I found scarier was that doing what I had to actually change a lot of myself, I was still interested in writing and speaking out against topics and situations in the world today but I was actually put off by the CONCEPT of writing. As a result I suffered some pretty bad writers block and felt the most confused I've been in a while. So there I am: Working hard, alienating most of my friends cause I didn't have the time and I lost all interest in the things I love to do. I had effectively become my worse nightmare.
This pattern stayed with me for the better part of two weeks and was on its way to a third but thankfully I caught a break. An old friend had called me up and offered to grab dinner. I met up with him and we were just having casual conversation.
(Marie could vouch for me when I say casual conversation with me is some of the most random and often-funnier times we have.)
So we talked about cars, and he asked my thoughts on hybrids and it was there that I gave my trademark zing without trying. I said verbatim: "I fully support the use of alternate fuels and hybrids but I just don't want a fucking egg car. I'm a big guy and me in a Prius, I'd imagine circus music playing in the background, but then again I'm Mexican, we've been known to fit 30 in a Ford. "I knew I was on to something when I kept going "Listen if you made a hybrid that looks and runs like a '65 GTO, I'll tattoo "Green 4ever" on my ass!!!" I learned two things that night,
I was back to normal
Avoid using the phrase "on my ass!!!" aloud if you're two guys in a sports bar...
It was there that I realized what my main problem was. I was scared. I was afraid to screw up, I wanted to prove to everyone that I could handle everything that I ended up spreading myself too thin and eventually I just crashed. Then the one moment where I just shut my mind down and relax, everything comes back to me like I hadn't lost a beat.
For me I¢ve always found more perspective when I crash and burn than from the skies. I would get up, see where I screwed up, take a deep breath and start over.
The lesson I learned? You're going to have your moments where you'll be afraid, you're going to feel overwhelmed and reach a breaking point. So break. You'll shut down, start up again see what you did wrong and start over.
I know that doesn¢t sound like the answer you would want to hear, but for me, to fail is to learn and to try again. People usually want simple answers to simple questions, but that's not always the case. Various amounts of difficulties surround everything from asking such questions to answering them. What makes it worth it is actually willing to put yourself in a position to put your self out there or your willingness to look like an idiot when the times call for it. If you can get past your pride, you can learn quite a bit, and is that such a bad thing?
This week I'm finally back after some personal setbacks, I'd normally be giving a teaser opening to give you guys an idea of what to expect this week but it's a different week and it's a different vibe all around but I do have something I want to share...
Weak and Powerless
By: A Perfect Circle
Tilling my own grave to keep me level...
Jam another dragon down the hole...
Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren...
one that pushes me along, and leaves me so...
desperate and ravenous...
I'm so Weak and powerless over you...
Someone feed the monkey while I dig in search of china...
White as Dracula as I approach the bottom...
so desperate and ravenous.
I'm so Weak and powerless over you...
Little angel, go away...
Come again some other day...
Devil has my ear today...
I'll never hear a word you say...
He Promised I would find a little solace and some peace of mind...
Whatever. Just as long as I don't feel so desperate and ravenous.
I'm so Weak and powerless over you...
For the last three weeks, I¢ve been running around trying to keep everything around me from going crazy, while naturally going a little crazy myself in the process. Before I continue I should apologize for my absence two weeks ago, My Mother had some health issues that couldn¢t be ignored and the result was surgery. So now I'm maintaining more of my world than I've ever had to. I admit that this scared the hell out of me, I mean, who wouldn¢t feel overwhelmed?
But my absence wasn¢t completely due to that series of events, I had known about her health and surgery plans for a long time, so it wasn¢t unexpected, I had spent the better part of two months preparing and by then I was actually ready for it. The weekend right before surgery, it finally hit me about what was really happening. It was there that for the first time since this whole situation started. That I was actually afraid. My fear didn't come from the possibility of death or anything extreme like that, what really hit me was that fact that it was officially time for me to step up my game.
When you spend most of your time preparing for something and finally act on said event, you find yourself forgetting everything you learned and the even harder lesson of nothing being exactly the way you learn it would be. I don't really have a title for this week so just call it what it is. A reflection.
What I found scarier was that doing what I had to actually change a lot of myself, I was still interested in writing and speaking out against topics and situations in the world today but I was actually put off by the CONCEPT of writing. As a result I suffered some pretty bad writers block and felt the most confused I've been in a while. So there I am: Working hard, alienating most of my friends cause I didn't have the time and I lost all interest in the things I love to do. I had effectively become my worse nightmare.
This pattern stayed with me for the better part of two weeks and was on its way to a third but thankfully I caught a break. An old friend had called me up and offered to grab dinner. I met up with him and we were just having casual conversation.
(Marie could vouch for me when I say casual conversation with me is some of the most random and often-funnier times we have.)
So we talked about cars, and he asked my thoughts on hybrids and it was there that I gave my trademark zing without trying. I said verbatim: "I fully support the use of alternate fuels and hybrids but I just don't want a fucking egg car. I'm a big guy and me in a Prius, I'd imagine circus music playing in the background, but then again I'm Mexican, we've been known to fit 30 in a Ford. "I knew I was on to something when I kept going "Listen if you made a hybrid that looks and runs like a '65 GTO, I'll tattoo "Green 4ever" on my ass!!!" I learned two things that night,
I was back to normal
Avoid using the phrase "on my ass!!!" aloud if you're two guys in a sports bar...
It was there that I realized what my main problem was. I was scared. I was afraid to screw up, I wanted to prove to everyone that I could handle everything that I ended up spreading myself too thin and eventually I just crashed. Then the one moment where I just shut my mind down and relax, everything comes back to me like I hadn't lost a beat.
For me I¢ve always found more perspective when I crash and burn than from the skies. I would get up, see where I screwed up, take a deep breath and start over.
The lesson I learned? You're going to have your moments where you'll be afraid, you're going to feel overwhelmed and reach a breaking point. So break. You'll shut down, start up again see what you did wrong and start over.
I know that doesn¢t sound like the answer you would want to hear, but for me, to fail is to learn and to try again. People usually want simple answers to simple questions, but that's not always the case. Various amounts of difficulties surround everything from asking such questions to answering them. What makes it worth it is actually willing to put yourself in a position to put your self out there or your willingness to look like an idiot when the times call for it. If you can get past your pride, you can learn quite a bit, and is that such a bad thing?
Labels: TBF
posted by Marie at 8:58 PM
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