'T.K.O./Love: (The emotional roller coaster)' - 10/10/07
TBF Presents: ''T.K.O./Love: (The emotional roller coaster)'' - 10/10/07
High Expectations
We all have expectations. However, unrealistic expectations will end up being direct paths to disappointment and unhappiness in your marriage or relationship. These include having false expectations, believing in the myths about marriage, thinking that someone else can make you happy, trying to read one another's mind, wanting to do everything together, and wanting to have a perfect marriage(trust me, there is no such thing). When these are not identified or verbalized, they can create great barriers in your marriage.
Do you ever find yourself in an argument with you man (or woman) because of high expectations? For example you feel that just because he did not make special plans for your birthday last year and you TOLD him that he better do something special for you this year, and you get disappointed when for your birthday all you get is a “happy birthday” and a blank stare. What do you do, get upset right, after all did you or did you not tell him last year that you expected him to take you out and do the whole romantic thing (when you know that you man/woman is not into all of that).
We often set ourselves to failure when we try to change the person we are with by trying to make them be who we want them to be. I fall victim to this never-ending trap myself. My husband is not into that whole “make a big deal for birthdays, and holidays” to him sadly it’s just another day. (Although I got to admit he did tell me recently that he has realized how important birthdays are and that he will try to make a more of a big deal about them because he knows what they mean to me and our kids et.) [and it only took me 10 years for him to realize this]
But you got to realize, part of why my husband is like that is because of his background, see he never grew up embracing birthdays or having celebrations over Thanksgiving, Christmas et, he was not raised in an environment like that. He has been on his own since he was 16. He lost his mother to breast cancer at that age leaving him alone to fend for himself. His father (who he was not much in touch with) died within a year after his mom. So when we met he has always been the “I don’t need anyone in my life” type of person. Basically meaning “I have been on my own all this time that I am use to being alone”. It is sad but with a wife and kids now he is realizing that he past does not have to dictate his future. The future is changeable. Now going back to “unrealistic expectations” it is important that we remember that things aren’t always going to go the way we want them to go all the time.
So what I have learned (and I apply it to my everyday life, ok I don’t but I should, and I am trying to) is to not expect things from the person you are with, that way you wont be disappointed. Now don’t get me wrong, by no means do I mean lowering your standards, what I mean is to be realistic, and respect one another’s character. If the person you are with is the same person he was when you met, then you knew what you were getting yourself into, so don’t think just because we get married he is going to automatically morph into this “idealistic” person you have in your imagination. You are setting yourself up for failure. But know this, time is the cure and the solution of all or most of any problems you will face in your relationship. With time people mature, and they can and will change (If they are willing to, you cannot change a person who is not willing to change, sometimes it takes changing your points of views). If you are not willing to stand up for this, then maybe they are not the person you should be with.
But if your relationship is worth holding on to, let me tell you it takes patience, arguments (probably lots of them), endurance and most important of all is compromise, a marriage without compromise is like a car without gas, you cannot expect to drive if your tank is on empty; likewise you cannot expect to succeed in your relationship if you are not on the same page. You have to come to an agreement even if it means to agree to disagree.
Hopefully, your expectations will include being able to lovingly resolve conflicts, to appreciate your differences as individuals, to respect and cherish one another, and to be able to discuss values and priorities. Never be afraid to talk about any subject that you have. After all, how can he meet your expectations if you expect him to read your mind? It’s not going to happen.
Until next time
Angel
High Expectations
We all have expectations. However, unrealistic expectations will end up being direct paths to disappointment and unhappiness in your marriage or relationship. These include having false expectations, believing in the myths about marriage, thinking that someone else can make you happy, trying to read one another's mind, wanting to do everything together, and wanting to have a perfect marriage(trust me, there is no such thing). When these are not identified or verbalized, they can create great barriers in your marriage.
Do you ever find yourself in an argument with you man (or woman) because of high expectations? For example you feel that just because he did not make special plans for your birthday last year and you TOLD him that he better do something special for you this year, and you get disappointed when for your birthday all you get is a “happy birthday” and a blank stare. What do you do, get upset right, after all did you or did you not tell him last year that you expected him to take you out and do the whole romantic thing (when you know that you man/woman is not into all of that).
We often set ourselves to failure when we try to change the person we are with by trying to make them be who we want them to be. I fall victim to this never-ending trap myself. My husband is not into that whole “make a big deal for birthdays, and holidays” to him sadly it’s just another day. (Although I got to admit he did tell me recently that he has realized how important birthdays are and that he will try to make a more of a big deal about them because he knows what they mean to me and our kids et.) [and it only took me 10 years for him to realize this]
But you got to realize, part of why my husband is like that is because of his background, see he never grew up embracing birthdays or having celebrations over Thanksgiving, Christmas et, he was not raised in an environment like that. He has been on his own since he was 16. He lost his mother to breast cancer at that age leaving him alone to fend for himself. His father (who he was not much in touch with) died within a year after his mom. So when we met he has always been the “I don’t need anyone in my life” type of person. Basically meaning “I have been on my own all this time that I am use to being alone”. It is sad but with a wife and kids now he is realizing that he past does not have to dictate his future. The future is changeable. Now going back to “unrealistic expectations” it is important that we remember that things aren’t always going to go the way we want them to go all the time.
So what I have learned (and I apply it to my everyday life, ok I don’t but I should, and I am trying to) is to not expect things from the person you are with, that way you wont be disappointed. Now don’t get me wrong, by no means do I mean lowering your standards, what I mean is to be realistic, and respect one another’s character. If the person you are with is the same person he was when you met, then you knew what you were getting yourself into, so don’t think just because we get married he is going to automatically morph into this “idealistic” person you have in your imagination. You are setting yourself up for failure. But know this, time is the cure and the solution of all or most of any problems you will face in your relationship. With time people mature, and they can and will change (If they are willing to, you cannot change a person who is not willing to change, sometimes it takes changing your points of views). If you are not willing to stand up for this, then maybe they are not the person you should be with.
But if your relationship is worth holding on to, let me tell you it takes patience, arguments (probably lots of them), endurance and most important of all is compromise, a marriage without compromise is like a car without gas, you cannot expect to drive if your tank is on empty; likewise you cannot expect to succeed in your relationship if you are not on the same page. You have to come to an agreement even if it means to agree to disagree.
Hopefully, your expectations will include being able to lovingly resolve conflicts, to appreciate your differences as individuals, to respect and cherish one another, and to be able to discuss values and priorities. Never be afraid to talk about any subject that you have. After all, how can he meet your expectations if you expect him to read your mind? It’s not going to happen.
Until next time
Angel
Labels: angel
posted by Marie at 12:00 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home