TBF: Depression

The Big Come Down (The Fragile)

There is a game i play
Try to make myself okay
Try so hard to make the pieces all fit
Smash it apart just for the fuck of it
Bye bye oooh
Got to get back to the bottom
Oooh
The big come down, isn't that what you wanted?
Oooh
Find a place with the failed and forgotten
Oooh
Isn't that really what you wanted now?

There is no place i can go, there is no way i can hide.
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside...

There is a hate that burns within
The most desperate place i have ever been
Try to get back to where i'm from
The closer i get the worse it becomes
The closer i get the worse it becomes

There is no place i can go, there is no place i can hide.
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside...."

Underneath It All:

"All i do
I can still feel you
All i do
I can still feel you
All i do
I can still feel you
All i do
I can still feel you
All i do
I can still feel you
Numb all through
I can still feel you
Hear your call
Underneath it all
Kill my brain
Yet you still remain

Crucified
After all i've died
After all i've tried
You are still inside

All i do
I can still feel you
All i do
I can still feel you
All i do
I can still feel you
All i do
I can still feel you
All i do
I can still feel you
All i do (You remain)
I can still feel you (I am stained)

For anyone who's ever had depression, we struggle with our off days, we look outside and we wonder about it all. That feeling of emptiness is undeniable at times, it almost suffocates. So how can we survive the pain, well there is no simple answer, it's a struggle, it's a day by day life. We hurt cause the wounds are so deep that they can't just heal right away, we each have our way to deal with it: Religion, Drugs, Therapy, Self Medicating.. (though I never recommend that)I know many people who've dealt with this, and they all chose every option I listed especially that last one...

I do want to be better and I try to be but I know it means changing, some of the changes were easy and some weren't. i've looked in the mirror and stared at what it turned me into, and I didn't like what I saw. So when I didn't like what I saw I decided to do something about it, I began creating and my creations reflected where I was and who I am at the time. I close my eyes and look inside myself to figure out why I hurt when I do, I kept running through everything and I realize I hurt cause I felt that pain so long ago but the only person who kept it going was myself and I did at times but now I realize that I'm getting older and I want to move on. We can only live with so much inside, eventually we need to move on. I'm working to release everything inside, I put it in my work and I try to live a life where it doesn't become this overwhelming factor in my life, granted sometimes it would be easier if I went walking on hot coals... but I'm willing to try.

I realize now that I have only two more columns left in this season, 6/30/06 is coming up and I already have begun working on the last two columns and since I have two topics left on my "Big 5" so I guess it means back to back "Big 5" topics... this will be interesting.