And All That Could Have Been

And All That Could Have Been (Still)

Breeze still carries the sound,
Maybe i'll disappear.
Tracks will fade in the snow,
You won't find me here.

Ice is starting to form,
Ending what had begun.
I am locked in my head,
With what i've done.
I know you tried to rescue me,
Didn't let anyone get in.
Left with a trace of all that was,
And all that could have been

Please take this and run far away,
Far away from me
I am tainted
The two of us
Were never meant to be.
All these pieces....
And promises and left behinds,
If only i could see
In my nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me

Gone, Fading, Everything
And all that could have been. That could have been

Please take this and run far away,
Far as you can see
I am tainted
And happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me.
All these pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me

I had something orginally planned but it fell apart as I was typing and i just felt like taking this week in a different direction, Don't ever be surprised if I do things like this from time to time. A good friend reminded me that the world will never fit me into a box, it will never keep me in control. i will grow and I will evolve as we all do and will in time.

I am a flawed man and I give more of myself in this column than you can imagine. It's not about pride and it's not about bringing everyone down with me, it's really to show the importance of being there for one another. I admit there are times where I still hurt, some of this hurt are the demons and sins my father could never face and eventually it consumed the better parts of him, some of this hurt is from my own experiences growing up, but this hurt is here and I am here and in the end only one of us will remain. I see depression as a venom in my heart and soul, a venom which exploits any negative feelings in me and makes me feel like i'm nothing, there have been many times I find myself wondering if the fates put me in this to prepare me for something or if I just have to be the one in a few billion who just hurts. But I share this with you:

I was recently given praise by a friend for being able to express these thoughts and feelings. She had mentioned that she too had her share of hurt over time and always wanted to express her feelings but couldn't; but she can: by telling me, it's proof that she can share and open up, there in lies my point.... if one person opens up and shares his demons with the world, then the demons don't have as great a hold as they did before and soon others begin sharing and eventually we learn to overcome the insecurities together and we begin thinking for ourselves and we learn to grow and find our purpose in life.

Pills, god, counseling, they never helped like this does. I feel free here and as if I'm slowly gaining everything I could ever want by just bearing my soul..... I know it sounds silly but it's what I feel.

My father couldn't handle becoming a father, he couldn't handle growing up, he loved life and he loved women even more, and for loving more than he could he became a father more times then I can count, but the official number is at six. He spent at most two years which each of us but eventually moved on. We only hear of each other as rumors, sometimes as living skeletons. I swore on everything in me that I would never become that man, and to this date I've stayed true to that oath. He lives in a trailer park in Arizona now, just a shell of who he was. I looked into his eyes and felt sorry that he couldn't beat his demons...... So, you see, to beat my demons has serious significance to me. I love him and I hate him and I pity him and I want to save him and I realize no matter what, I can't..... That's why I try to be the hero; that's why I give more of myself than needed. I just want to do the right thing but this doubt, fear, I know these hold me back, and I still push on through, I refuse to fail and I won't. So maybe I'm crazy for caring, maybe I'm not.......... Time will tell

I'm living my life and not letting the venom slow me down, so don't let it slow you down.

Thank You and until next time,

Brian